It’s one of those nights.
Candles are burning, a new book awaits me, and Starflyer 59 is softly playing. I’m well aware that those three things alone set a mood for pensiveness. I haven’t had time for reading lately, and so I’m aching to delve into Bel Canto. But I feel so restless. A long drive through the country just kept me lost in thought. All I can think about is what life was like a year ago.
I know why I’m feeling this way. An innocent comment by one of my customers today really threw me for a loop. I was in the middle of researching loan information when he put down the paperwork and asked, have you ever found true love? I think I stammered an answer and shot him an odd look while trying to keep my business façade. Perhaps he felt comfortable broaching that subject because he is French (everyone knows that the French are supposedly more adept at love). But whatever his reasoning, he continued at a mad pace. Have you ever given your heart away? Would you say that your heart has healed? Will you ever give your heart away again? I tried to bring the conversation back to business but he was insistent to know my story. We talked about love, life, and lessons learned for quite sometime. He suggested such-and-such book that is known for showing you what your heart really needs, and such-and-such poem by so-and-so, which will truly make your heart remember the need for love. I smiled, thanked him, and hid my smiles.
Life a year ago was so much different. March 2003 was the beginning of a whirlwind. An absolute tornado of emotions that brought so much joy and yet so much pain. I had no idea of the things I would gain and the things I would lose. Of course that is the way life goes, and a year from now I will probably be able to say the same thing. But I hope that in the midst of the inevitable change, I will always remember what is most important. I am overwhelmed when I remember all the ways in which I have failed. But to dwell on the things of the past is to lose the opportunity of today.
And so, as I sit so pensively, I will ache to find things that are real this year. I want that ache for the things of God to grow stronger. I want the ache for lesser things to diminish.