It’s been a forever-long night.
Tears, frustrations, and hurt are streaking across my heart and I want to simply run. Running gives no pleasure except for the immediate release from the situation. And how does one run from a life? How does run from a friend? From God?
It’s as though each step I’ve taken lately has been just one small degree off course. Each step was meant to be sincere and my heart has spent no time contemplating how to hurt. How to cause pain. How to fail. But when faced with the stirring truth that I’m completely in the middle of the biggest mess of my life- I have to stop and say that I’ve been too careless.
I give to Him and take from Him without thought. I speak His name and yet haven’t whispered it in prayer. I’ve faced both ways and chosen the one that gives the most pleasure without taking thought of the consequences.
Troubled soul, thou art not bound to feel but thou art bound to arise. God loves thee whether thou feelest or not. Thou canst not love when thou wilt, but thou art bound to fight the hatred in thee to the last. Try not to feel good when thou art not good, but cry to Him who is good. He changes not because thou changest. Nay, He has an especial tenderness of love toward thee for that thou art in the dark and hast no light, and His heart is glad when thou doest arise and say, “I will go to my Father.” Fold the arms of thy faith, and wait in the quietness until light goes up in thy darkness. For the arms of thy Faith I say, but not of thy Action: bethink thee of something that thou oughtest to do, and go to do it, if it be but the sweeping of a room, or the preparing of a meal, or a visit to a friend. Heed not thy feeling: Do thy work.
– George MacDonald
I’m troubled. I must begin again.