About two weeks ago, Daniel and I have found out we are having a boy. Needless to say, we are excited, happy, and also overwhelmed as the weeks move closer to April. But as these days swirl by, I am mostly somber at the responsibility of raising a child.
Before we found out the sex of our baby, I often heard the question, “so do you want a girl or a boy?” Honestly, neither Daniel nor I were that set on one or the other. And so we tended to give the expected answer of “we just want to have a happy, healthy baby.” But that answer troubled me. Is it really my place to tell God that I will only be happy if He sends us a perfectly healthy baby? What if His plan is for something more dramatic and possibly includes long hospital stays, surgeries, or things we dare not mention? Will I trust those possibilities to Him? It has been many days that I have paced the floor with my hand on my stomach, tears on my cheeks, and secretly praying that God would give us the strength and grace for whatever amazing journey He is about to send us on. If the Lord does give us a healthy baby boy, then praise His name. But if He chooses to send us a little boy whose physical needs are overwhelming, then I will praise His name too. This next chapter is truly one that only the Lord knows.
I suppose as the days draw closer to Christmas, my mind has lingered on the Christmas story almost daily. While working on a Christmas concert at church, I have spent much time contemplating the Christmas story from each of the different character’s points of view. And of course, being pregnant, I keep finding myself focusing on Mary during these days. While searching for some good Christmas music, I ran across this familiar song that echo’s what Mary must have been feeling as a normal, average woman called to be apart of something so Grand and Glorious.
I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I’ve done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now to carry your son.
I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.
Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.
Breath of Heaven
I love the question, “do you wonder as you watch my face if a wiser one should have had my place”? Respectfully, I know I am not carrying the Christ child but I find myself asking the same question in my heart. Does the Lord really know what He’s doing in giving me the opportunity to raise a child? Am I capable? What about all the mistakes I’ve made? The ones I’m still scrambling through? How can I teach a young boy and see him grow into a young man? I feel somewhat helpless but I find myself whispering the same prayer of the song. Be with me now. Help me be strong. Help me be. Help me.
And as this journey continues, I will pray for the little one I carry and for all that the Lord has for him. I am looking forward to April when I will finally hold little Andrew Paul Bergey in my arms. Little Drew.