Not many people are aware of this, mostly because I have preferred it to be that way and I like to wear a mask even around people I consider friends, but I have fought a deep depression on and off for over two years now.
Some of you will wryly smile as you remember my college days in which I fought so hard for nouthetic counseling to the point of suggesting that most of depression just means that you are not “right with God.” I’m still no expert on depression but I’m humbled now. I do think God’s word has the answers for all of life. But depression can come from many different things and I’m beginning to understand it’s OKAY to say that I’ve been depressed.
The pieces of my story are cumbersome. I can’t give you an equation to explain my depression. I’m sure it’s been many different things. Leaving the career world to stay at home was a really big deal for me. Becoming a mom has been one of the very best things that has ever happened to me but I know that the swarming hormones have more than likely added to the problem at times, too. We all have baggage in our lives and at some point you have to come face to face with it. I think the past two years have been, in a sense, also my coming to grips with the baggage I’ve carried around. Horrible demons from the past, memories that shake my soul, a lot of hurt people, ruined friendships, and misguided thoughts about God.
My sweet husband has had to put up with this emotional roller-coaster and it hasn’t been pretty. This funk has overwhelmed me to the breaking point on more than one occasion. Some days there were broken dishes lying around. And it was no accident. Some times it looked as though the closet had exploded. And a few times, he’s worried that he’d come home to find me lying on the floor. But through it all, he’s been my rock. He’s held my hand, prayed over me, played the guitar in bed many nights, and still loved me very much.
I tried counseling through a program with my previous employer, only to hear unbiblical advice. I tried biblical counseling, only to be sent away with shallow advice. I tried sharing with a few close people, and after one particular cold response, I decided I’d share no more. And sadly, I began wearing a mask.
But with a mask, you still can’t hide from God. And so my struggle for the past two years has been God wanting to pull of my mask and my being sure that He didn’t need to see my unclean hands. After all, unless I’m pursuing holiness in every second of my day, He won’t bless my life, much less hold me close. Right?
As I’ve learned, that’s wrong. Very wrong. With a breath of fresh air, I’ve recently began to be reacquainted with the amazing, wonderful, grace of Almighty God. So we are taking each day at a time, fighting through this thick mess, and learning more about God. I’m giving my mask up, I’m opening my heart (which is why I’m writing HERE about it, too), and reaching out for God’s strength.
But even in this recent reacquaintance, there have still been some hard times. Uncomfortable times. And Daniel and I have joked that we just want God to just write in the sky – and assure us that we are on the right path. Because letting go of what people think and only caring about what GOD thinks is so…scary. It shouldn’t be that way, I know.
No actual sky-writing has taken place, but the Lord has whispered to us so much in the past few days and encouraged our souls.
This past Sunday, we went to worship in a new place and were humbled by the entire service. Humbled, and overwhelmed at the grace of God.
The offertory was Lead of Love by Caedmon’s Call and I felt my legs almost give way (you can listen to the song on their website).
Looking back at the road so far
The journey’s left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight
Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You’ve made good of this mess I’ve made
Is a profound mystery
Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love
Looking back I can finally see (I’d rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee
That is where I am. Seeing that He is making good of this mess I’ve made. And it IS a profound mystery – no one else can understand it, much less me.
The message struck a chord in my soul. And I’m realizing that growing up, somewhere along the way, I began to see the Bible as a book of moral rules and principles. Stories, and examples of people I should emulate. We’ve all heard “the Bible is the guidebook for life.” We’ve looked at this book for what mothers do – provide comfort, nurture and security. The security of rule-based living, pleasing other people – we find security in that. Especially if we measure up. Because despite the seeming comfort of keeping rules – the truth is we are slaves to guilt and shame and lack of assurance and slaves to pride when we think we DO measure up. That has been my life. And I need to break that pattern and see the Bible as one story from start to finish. God promises to love and accept us, not based on what we do for Him, but based on what He has done for us in Jesus. A God who does not give up on us, but a God who keeps initiating. Whether we measure up or not.