I need to write. But I haven’t been able to voice it here yet. Until now. Which is what I was tweeting about earlier.
But as my really honest husband put it yesterday afternoon, “damn the torpedos, full speed ahead!” Which, I think for me, means that why have a blog if you can’t write in your real, honest voice.
So, I’m going to put it in writing and know that if God is who I think and hope He is, then He’s not freaked out by this. That just leaves you. And I’m choosing not to worry about you judging me.
The issue is this: I don’t know what I believe about God anymore. I don’t even know what I think about Christianity.
In leaving Fundamentalism, it wasn’t just that I gained a license to wear pants and listen to U2 and be a Christian hipster like some assumed I was hungering for. No, really, that isn’t it at all. Although, I might be more hipster than I realized.
In leaving, I realized that some of what I’d been taught was very wrong. And if some of it was wrong, then how do I pick out the pieces that were gloriously true?
About two years ago, I remember asking someone very dear to me for help on how to believe in a particular doctrine that I, frankly, thought was wrong. Their response was “I have just always trusted the people God put here to lead me.”
At the time, sadly, that was enough for me.
But when we left Fundamentalism, I lost all of the friendly-I-guess-I’ll-believe-what-you’re-saying feelings and started really digging into theology. More than I ever had.
And I realized that a large portion of what I believe is based off of tradition compounded upon tradition. And other people’s personal experience and grand stories. And I’m very unsure and uncertain about all of the rest.
I met Jesus when I was four. And I’ve had a “relationship” with Him ever since. But how on earth could I have really known what I was getting into at that tender age? I think I was just terrified of experiencing hell-fire and damnation.
I’m not doubting my salvation. I’m doubting Christianity and faith in God. In other words, if this is all true…then I am confident in my relationship with God. But if it’s not true, then I feel like I’ve been sold a lie for a really long time.
I’m so tired of Christians.
Christians who think they are doing the right thing and yet they are so focused on staying separate from anyone, terrified of science and intellectual thinking, and imagining they have a duty to reform our government to reflect the Bible.
And they walk away from the very people who need them. Well, those people don’t need their brand of religious fanaticism but they often do need their hugs, love, friendship, and acceptance.
I guess the best way to say this is: I just have a lot of unknowns about God. And Christianity. And if there is a God, and He’s the one I’ve always known and loved, then He isn’t scared of my doubts.
And if a lot of what I’ve always based my life on is wrong, then I guess I’m on the path to discovering that.
P.S. I’m re-reading Letters to a Skeptic and The Question of God.
P.S.S. Have you read the IM’s article about The Coming Evangelical Collapse?
I’m glad you wrote this. I’ve had similar sentiments lately, so it’s nice to hear others voice it.
well said.
Well put. It’s the people who question their faith and work it out, instead of following blindly, who can actually make a difference.
Philippians 2:12-13 (New International Version)
12Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
like Paul says somewhere… if our faith isn’t true (if Christ wasn’t raised from the dead) than we of all people should be pitied!
this is a great post.
Would recommend McLaren’s New Kind Of Christian trilogy – good dialogue conversations, fiction, hashes some of this out. And his Finding Faith – I think it’s got another name now, new edition – first time I felt like I wasn’t losing my mind or my faith anymore.
Thank you all so much. Rick, I’ll be adding those books to my list.
“And if there is a God, and He’s the one I’ve always known and loved, then He isn’t scared of my doubts.”
This has to be one of the most profound statements I’ve read in awhile. Very well put!
this pretty much sums up where i am right now, too. this is why i cannot stomach going to church (in general), and this freaks out most of my christian friends who have mostly judged me rather than try to seek where it is i’m coming from and what i think and feel about it all. so much of modern christianity is based on tradition and not necessarily on the bible or on the heart of Jesus for others. i wish people could see that and not be so freaked out that they can’t ask questions. if God can’t handle my doubts, then He’s really not worth following, is He?
i’m proud of you:)
We met briefly when I picked up Daniel on the way to the airport for the California trip. In light of the fact that we don’t really know each other, I hope commenting here is not inappropriate. (For really inappropriate commentary and language try reading my blog.)
I liked your post very much. And much like a religious person sees someone struggling with their “truth” and tries to help in their way, I offer you my advice on my “truth”.
As an atheist (some might say a militant atheist), I strongly believe there is no God, Christian or other. I don’t hold this belief because I don’t want there to be a god so that I’m not held accountable or because something bad happened to me and I’m upset with God. None of that. I grew up in a methodist home and attended a methodist church…and never truly believed. (In the opinion of some, this would disqualify me from giving religious advice since I clearly never “got it”.)
In recent years I’ve encountered many Christians besides my parents. Daniel and Sam excluded, I’ve found believers to have a surprising lack of understanding of the details of their own life-directing faith. I can confidently say I have a better understanding of Christianity than most Christians I know. That may be, in part, because I don’t normally take what people say to me to be “the gospel”, which is to say, I’m a skeptic in many, many ways. I need to understand something before I embrace it. In doing this, my studies of Christianity have shown me that it is undeniably false.
I suspect that most books suggested to you or that you’ve read will be from the perspective of a former doubter and why he no longer doubts (which, I suppose, would be anyone writing as a believer). Or, in the case of anything by Ray Comfort, written from the perspective of a liar or a moron. A very good book I’ve just finished which takes a different approach is “Why I Became an Atheist: A Former Preacher Speaks Out Against Christianity” (this may not be the exact title…it’s from memory). It goes into fantastic detail about all aspects of Christianity by a very well-informed person who had doubts, did research and argues how his doubts were found out to be valid. You’re welcome to borrow it. For something a little easier to read but more cocky, “The God Delusion” is actually very informative. (I’ve got that, too.)
I wish you well on your journey.
@Tom I don’t know about profound. Just my thoughts.
@Sarah I know what you mean. 😉
@Ken You are always welcome to comment! I remember you coming by when you both went to California.
Ha. And yeah, you are totally unapologetic on your blog. That’s the way it should be though. 😛 It’s so much easier when we don’t wear masks with others.
Thanks for the book suggestions. I’ll probably pick them up at the library but if I can’t find them I’ll pester you for them. I’m in the midst of reading quite a bit right now and I’m curious about all points of view so I’m not just reading those written by believers.