Dear Drew,
You turned twenty-three months old two days ago. And yet this changing of another month was no mere formality (not that it ever is, actually). You have changed in tangible, real, and measurable ways that bring delight in our home and at other times, tears, while watching you sleep.
Everyone told me that you’d grow up too quickly. I know that time really does feel as though it’s zooming by but I had no idea how fast you’d leave the cuddly baby stage. I miss feeling you snuggle against my neck after eating and knowing that just walking you around while holding you in my arms could loll you to sleep.
And when you sprawl in your bed at night, your long legs make you look less like a toddler and more like a young boy. But your round cheeks, wild hair, giggles, silly faces, and sweet hugs are all pieces of your childhood that I simply cannot part with yet.
You’ve learned to blow kisses but still get frustrated with blowing into the harmonica. You’ve fallen in love with broccoli but can’t stand the way rice feels in your mouth. And you love to gather sticks on the lawn but hate getting dirt on your hands.
Suddenly and surprisingly, you are learning letters! You recognize A, E, K, M, O, Q, and W whenever you see them in a book, on a shirt, or on Sesame Street. Your grand-mommy gave us a placemat with letters that she used with your uncles and aunt and you LOVE to look at it before your nap. We try counting every day, with the random everydayness of life. How many bowls am I holding? How many pairs of underwear am I folding? How many fingers have chocolate stains? You know how to count up to five but you LOVE the number five so much that you sometimes just shout FIVE FIVE FIVE.
You absolutely floored me the other afternoon. You were running in a circle, which you do twice a day, like clockwork. It’s a very involved process in which you run around for what seems like hours and recite everything you see in the room.
But this time, instead of narrating the room, you said “LOVES YOU, BEAR IS WHITE, DAFF’DL IS YELLOW, APPLE IS RED.” Over and over.
You were reciting the children’s book we’ve been reading over and over, That’s How Much God Loves You! The story says “He loves you as much as a polar bear is white and a daffodil is yellow and an apple is red.”
I’m still amazed that you remembered the book well enough to shout it out randomly.
One overwhelming piece of our story right now is learning how to deal with your anger. I don’t have the heart to share all of the drama right now but hopefully I’ll feel like writing about it soon. The short story is that your Daddy and I fell in love with attachment parenting even before you were born. But we never really kept at it.
You have moments of real frustration. Which you’ve inherited from me. And sometimes, it’s just normal testing-your-boundaries cuteness. For instance, your daddy asked for you to give him one of your toys the other evening. You stood there, studying him.
And then said, “gimme car. NO!” As though you couldn’t remember exactly how to word it all.
With some of your more overwhelming bouts of anger, we’ve reverted into spanking mode. But it has not worked at all and has just made me feel awful. In fact, the only times I’ve spanked you have been when I have been frustrated myself. I’ve felt awful over it and have pulled Dr. Sears’ book on discipline down so many times and I’m slowly working my way through it.
I know many mommy’s and daddy’s differ on whether spanking is right or wrong, needed or not, but I’m at a place right now where I can firmly say that I don’t believe spanking is necessary at all. It feels very wrong for me.
You respond beautifully to slow, gentle parenting. It takes a lot more patience on my part but oh, it feels so right. So, we’re taking this one step at a time while we try to show you the best way of dealing with frustrating moments and everyday life.
Because we ALL have them. And we all have to learn how to deal with them.
I will let you in on a little secret. Sometimes chocolate helps. But I’m not going to tell you that for a little while longer.
My sweet drewster, I love you so much.
For so long I thought that becoming a mommy would be all about you and how wonderful it would be to be a family of three and not just two. But being your mommy has been hard work. Not because of anything you’ve done at all but because I’ve learned so much about myself and what is inside my own heart.
I’m absolutely blessed that God’s given you to us for this journey and that He lets us parent even though we are crazy and not always sure of what we are doing.
You are growing and changing and before I know it, you’ll be all angles and legs and catching bugs, doggies, and then the love of someone other than me.
Please know that I’m trying very hard to enjoy these wiggly days with you. I don’t always have a camera to catch your beautiful smile and I don’t always have the mind or memory to write a blog post to tell of your doings. But I’m keeping it all bundled inside and one day, you can curl up beside me and we’ll have long talks about these days of discovery.
Love, Mommy