octolilly [through the years]

It’s been an overwhelming day.

While on the drive to work this morning, I grappled with the silence that filled the car. Silence meant I had to think. Ponder. Realize. Admit. This week has been a struggle against everything good and holy. So, I put in the first cd that my fingers found. I was half-asleep and coffee-less and the music was just a nice background noise to muffle the uneasiness. Until I listened to the words.

You see, the past two months have been a desperate struggle against bitterness. I’ve really tried to keep a smile on my face and those who know me constantly say, you are handling all of this so well. My masque has been worn so well. I’ve fought with why. Why did a 19-year long friendship end without even a goodbye? Why did the love I had end in such a bitter way? Why didn’t I see the signs? Why did God choose this path?

And so as Mac Powell sang those beautiful words, I let the tears fall. It’s not as though I am in a new place. I’ve been here before. I know what’s right. My questions of why still linger nearby but I’m reminding myself that I can be content without understanding. Nothing compares is a reaffirming of the solid truth that has echoed in my soul for many years. Nothing compares. The friendship I had is nothing compared to divine, sweet fellowship with my Lord. The love I shared is nothing compared to the never-ending love my Father has for me. He’ll never leave me. All the things I’ve been grasping to fill that ache- are empty and only temporarily satisfying. The God-shaped vacuum will always remain. To fill it with anything and anyone but Him is to live empty.

So, the overwhelming day has been a blessing in disguise. I was reminded to guard my heart. And for those of you who know of Tad Hamilton, I also learned to guard my carnal treasure.