octolilly [through the years]

When I’m depressed I can barely function. No writing, no music (well, I must admit that I have been tolerating some country music of the my-life-is-falling-apart variety, I know, pity me!), no friends, not much reading, and certainly very little laughter.

I’ve been attributing this latest funk to being off my medicine for two weeks, the move, and being in a new city. Our bedroom still isn’t cozy because we haven’t bought box springs that will work and we still have some boxes left in there (that’s the last of the boxes not counting the weird ones in the basement that are full of Daniel’s art things, office wigglies, and who knows what else – another words, they aren’t as necessary). We have no lamp in there, no night-stands (so that means that my medicine isn’t by the bed with a glass of water each night so I’m naturally forgetting it very easily – I haven’t been off the meds on purpose really), and since the mattress is still on the floor it feels like we are camping. Well, camping with lovely sheets and fluffy pillows. And camping is getting old after 12 days of being in the house.

I really like being in Carlisle, and I love being in Pennsylvania. It’s so beautiful here. I never dreamt that I could find another state that felt cozy like South Carolina. But the farms, the rows and rows and rows of corn (that probably feel overwhelming to those who have been here forever), and the rolling hills feel so welcoming.

But even though I know this is where I belong, it still doesn’t feel like home. That’s to be expected. But what I thought I’d be feeling is a longing to move back to South Carolina. But I’m not. I miss my family and friends dreadfully but I don’t feel like that is home anymore. So I feel homeless.

Yesterday was a really, really dark day where I never got out of my pajamas. Drew encouraged me with his sweet smile and we ate cheese and grapes on the couch and I had two bowls of ice cream. But the depression felt as though it had arrived at the door carrying three bags of dark, dank, scary packages. I thought that moving here would feel like enough of a “new chapter” that some of the depression would naturally leave.

I know a few of the reasons why I’m so overwhelmed. We went to church on Sunday and it was absolutely horrid. Well, maybe not horrid. But I was hoping that this church would be where we called home. I’m hungering for a church so badly I can barely talk about it. I want to find a family of believers and sit and soak again. I’m used to deep preaching (at my former church and at Southside), good music, and sweet fellowship. But this church was really just trying way too hard.

It appeared to me that they were trying to be everything to all people. And although their motive of wanting to reach everyone is to be commended, I was shocked that someone hadn’t tapped them on the shoulder and said, “you really need to revamp.” It was so obvious to me, an outsider, that they were really, really hoping I would think they are cool.

I think I’ve been around enough real believers (real in the sense of raw, honest, and passionate) that when I see folks who are in it for the recognition, I feel a bitter taste in my mouth. The girl on the stage was barefoot, shaking her booty, and occasionally glancing at the screens to see if she was on camera. It was hard to not judge everything I saw (I tried to tell myself that I don’t know these people at all and I need to be able to look past it) and I was almost in tears by the end of the service. Not because I was moved but because I had been aching to be in a real worship service again and hear soul-stirring preaching and it’s just been too long.

It didn’t help that when we went to get Drew out of the nursery I couldn’t find my small piece of paper that I needed to turn in before they would release him. I panicked as I realized that they had no back up plan. One of the ladies said, “I don’t really know what we do now. I guess we’ll have to wait until all the parents have picked their children up and then see if he’s the only one left.” I almost crawled over the counter and wrapped my hands around her neck. What if there were TWO parents who had misplaced the silly piece of paper (I’m used to a better system, obviously) – were we to fight over the children or get on our knees and ask the kids to walk to their Real Mommies?? I was nauseated and angry and then all of the sudden I found the paper and we grabbed Drew and I left as quickly as I could. That situation didn’t add anything good to my impression of the church.

Another reason I think the depression has been thick lately is that this political season has been tormenting me to no end. I have never wanted to write about politics here but in the next few days, I’m going to open up a can of worms and share my political stance. Please sugar-coat all comments. 😉

So, when Daniel got home yesterday and found me in my pajamas, he sweetly encouraged me to get dressed and we headed to the library. I felt some of the depression lifting slightly as we pored through children’s books and watched Daniel put on a puppet show with a small crab in the children’s section (I’m getting better with my fear of puppets!).

We came back home and I curled up with The Host while Daniel took Drew to Target to buy some things we needed and I finally felt a bit of relief flood over me. I felt my soul beginning to be encouraged and I took a few moments to pray and ask the Lord to please give me the strength to get back to a healthy emotional state.

Daniel was back home soon and along with a much-needed trash can for the kitchen, he had purchased two cards. One was for him, from me. Hehe. And one was from him to me.

The one for him, from me said the following:

You’re my chilly-toe warmer,
lousy-day listener,
itchy-back scratcher,
pouty-mood soother,
tired-body massager,
and all-over lover…

and my best-friend, too.

I love you.

The one from him to me said the following:

Since I met you,
all I can think about
is making you happy.
I want to see your smile
and hear your laughter.
I want to kiss away
old hurts
and hold you
until you know
without a doubt
that this is forever.

I want to memorize
the sound of your voice
and the dreams
of your heart.
More than anything else,
I want to make you happier wiggly-er
than you’ve ever been before,
and give you all the things
that you truly deserve.

Needless to say, I SOBBED LIKE A BABY after reading both cards. And then had a good laugh that he’d actually picked out a card for himself (for me to give him). But both were so perfect. He really is my rock.

I fell asleep with a hope that hope was ahead.

And after I saw Daniel off to work this morning, I showered and got ready. That was improvement over yesterday! 🙂 Drew slept a bit longer this morning so I had time to rush downstairs and straighten his toys up so the house would look inviting because cable is getting hooked up today. JOY!

I heard Drew start stirring so I headed to the kitchen to make him a plate of snacks.

While in the kitchen, I reached for the hand towel and it fell to the floor. For the umteenth-billion time. I stared at the hand towel and realized that I need to buy the type that hooks or buttons over the towel rod. So that Drew can’t pull it down and that I can’t knock it down.

When I turned around, I saw Janali and Zedekiah standing at my front door! Their arms were full of “welcome to Carlisle” gifts.

She made a casserole that I can pop in for dinner tonight as well as lots of canned goodies and fresh home-made bread.

AND, two towels of the button-type variety!!

Drew and “Kiah” (as Drew calls him) played for a few minutes while I thanked Janali for her kindness and then they headed off to drop MORE food off for other folks.

I was so encouraged to see a friendly face of kindness that after they left I found myself at the kitchen sink, my hands in the warm soapy water, and my eyes full of tears as I thanked God for such a sweet encouragement.

Within minutes from drying my hands, I got a call from Jason and we talked about faith, friendship, and how it would be nice if we could all get together IN PERSON instead of just on Twitter (although it IS really nice to know when someone is having a bologna sandwich or reading a particular article just so that we feel like we have some daily connection).

And so, not only did I get goodies from a friend today, a kind phone call from a friend, but I also got cable installed today and now I can watch Law & Order ALL DAY LONG. There goes the HOUSEWORK, CLEAN DIAPERS, and MEALS. 🙂 Just kidding.

So, I feel good today. I feel encouraged. Wiggly, even. Especially since I read on Southside’s website that the worship cd He Has Done It All is available!! I can’t wait to get it. We were there the morning they recorded it and I wept and wept. I’m aching to hear the music again.

The lesson for me, in all of this, is simply that even on cloudy days…there is hope ahead. I know we’ll find a church even if it takes a bit of time. We’ll get settled. I’ll work through my depression.

And also, Pushing Daisies Season 1 is on DVD! And, Autumn is coming! And, Derek Webb is coming here soon (not here, to my house, mind you)! And, Stephenie Meyer is going to be on The Ellen Degeneres Show tomorrow!

AND, I have the cutest little boy in the world.