One of my online friends, Annie, recently linked to an article on Facebook that discusses joyless parenting. After clicking on the link about a week ago, I read the first two paragraphs and then had to add it to my Read Later file because I already had tears in my eyes and my stomach ached.
It ached because Iāve said āI love Drew but I hate my lifeā so many times that it breaks my heart. Each time those words slip out of my mouth I spend the next five minutes desperately clammering to Daniel I HOPE YOU KNOW I LOVE DREW and DO YOU THINK IāM A BAD PERSON? He always smiles so sweetly to me and calms me with things like yes, youāre a good mother and a good person. Youāve just been through a lot. Youāll adjust.
Thatās all well and good but after I finally got the courage to read the entire article, I knew that I couldnāt just wait for Someday When Iād Adjust. Iām not suffering with crippling depression anymore and mothering for me isnāt so much about resentment (as it was during the most horrid days of depression) anymore as it is about joyless repetition. I know thatās horrible. š It hurts to type that.
It isnāt through any fault of Drewās though! Heās the most genuine, loving, happy little boy and even if he WAS a fussy kid, it still wouldnāt be his fault that I have succumbed to the lie that modern parenting is drudgery. I havenāt thought it was all drudgery though ā we have had these AMAZING moments lately, when the stars are aligned, in which weāre all three HAPPY and SWOONY and I suddenly think, wow, parenting is fun! But itās as though my brain has categorized mothering as something I have to live through and that itās mostly difficult, fussy, and I may have one or two days a month that are wiggly.
But that is not what I want at all. I want my relationship with Drew, for as long as we each have breath (and my hope is that weāll be able to giggle together until weāre both old and wrinkly, wondering where time has gone), to be wonderful, delightful, fun, and dreamy. I want to walk with him, while being emotionally and physically present, as he learns about the world.
Realizing all of this has made me face the reality that Iāve been holding Drew back quite a bit. He turned three in April and for the past six months, heās been mentally and emotionally moving ahead and yet Iām still treating him like heās younger. Our list of Things To Work On includes teaching him better table manners, play dates with other kids, getting completely rid of the high chair and sippy cup (he uses a booster seat at the dining room table and a regular cup at the table but the high chair is used a lot for pizza night, movie night, or when Iām just lazy ā and he uses the sippy cup at night-time and for most of play-time and Iād rather just get him a water bottle to carry), lots more structure in his day-to-day, and POTTY TRAINING.
Iām always pretty aware of parenting fads, and when Elimination Communication became the Thing To Do (Drew was less than a year old), I bought the book + a baby potty chair. And the potty chair sat in the corner, with dust, because the reality was that I was fighting depression and there was no way I could deal with potty training an infant.
Around two, we bought a real potty chair and pull-ups and had a few conversations with Drew (and attempts) about what should happen and he was pretty upset about it to the point that I decided to wait a month or so. Even though my Granny was calling and writing letters to me about how I should have him potty trained YESTERDAY, I knew that he wasnāt ready.
And then, at some point, we crossed into the reality of Drew being completely ready and his mother ignoring the issue. Iām not sure where that line is and when we crossed it, but weāre totally there. He wakes up with dry diapers each morning, I absolutely know when heās going to poop or pee and he talks about it all matter-of-factly. But I havenāt been ready. At all.
And when I started pondering the reality of my joyless parenting, I realized that this is a huge opportunity to place myself back in the present of walking with Drew as he encounters these big, new changes. We brought him into the world over three years ago and were SO happy and thankful to have him here. Iām not going to hate myself for going through thick depression and severely struggling with the balance of parenting, but now that those dark clouds have lifted, Iām having to kick myself pretty hard to get back into active mothering and being prepared for constant change.
So, my current plan, if all goes well, is to make this weekend the weekend of Change. Weāre spending the next few days talking about it all, re-doing his bedroom and closet, buying pull-ups, big boy underwear, his own soap, and wipes for the bathroom. And then making cookies together as the reward for having met his goals!
But, Iām smiling while doing it. š Iām really eager for this. Iām aching for it, to be honest. I love Drew so much and I feel like heās really lost out on wonderful parts of life in the past year or so (just as I have) and I want to make it up to him by showing him that part of growing up is learning all these new wonderful things and that even if it feels overwhelming at times, that Iām going to be there with him, every step of the way.
After breakfast this morning, we sat on the couch and talked about potty-training for a few minutes and I explained that we were going to be talking about it a lot over the next few days and I asked him if he was excited about learning to go in the potty all the time and he said, āno thank you.ā
So, if he ends up peeing and pooping all over the carpet, Iām just going to eat all the cookies, have a good cry, and keep trying.