After breakfast, we scampered out into the blanket of snow that arrived while we were sleeping. But it was SO cold and windy that we had to go back inside within ten minutes.
I know that the piles of icky snow will drive me crazy by the end of January but right now it feels like winter wonderland and I can’t get enough.
I saw my doctor right before Thanksgiving. It was supposed to be a weight-loss checkup (I lost 2 lbs which probably means I just wore lighter shoes – I’ll weigh barefoot and sleeveless next!) and general how-are-you-feeling visit but it quickly turned into a bigger deal than I expected.
I finally showed her a list of symptoms I’ve been having for a long time and after glancing over my list and asking me a ton of questions, she asked me to put the weight-loss on hold until the holidays are over (as in not STRESS about losing). My doctor thinks not only do I need to go back on anti-depressants but that I’m possibly suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The possible PTSD seems to be stemming from leaving Fundamentalism and Christianity in general.
It’s been a few years since I’ve been able to drive without having panic attacks, I have a list of phobias that keeps getting longer, and I keep having horrible, horrible nightmares. As a friend recently said, PTSD is that your mind hasn’t put the event into long-term memory. So it lingers in the present and short-term memory. And without warning, BAM – it’s in front of you. And then you find yourself in the bathtub with a knife carefully balanced on the edge. Just having the choice to do something drastic seems powerful enough to calm the trauma inside. It can get dangerous quickly. With no warning.
This past month has been particularly emotional with the petition to remove Chuck Phelps from the Bob Jones University Board and the Do Right BJU campaign. After reading through the growing number of stories and signatures, my stomach aches for hours. I emailed with one friend who was reliving her sexual abuse trauma at the school (that wasn’t reported!) and my dreams that night were so vivid that I was scared someone was in the apartment with me and woke up begging Daniel to check on Drew.
I have a list of therapists that I’m supposed to call and hopefully I’ll meet with one this month and see what their professional opinion is on all of this. I’ve been avoiding therapy for a long time and I guess I can’t stop running from it any longer. It’s just really hard to stop hearing that person tell me “all the people in mental hospitals are people who stopped believing in God!” It’s hard to admit I may have mental health problems when I feel like most people are just going to say “IT IS A SPIRITUAL PROBLEM. GOD HAS JUST HARDENED YOUR HEART. I PITY YOU.”
I just can’t escape the nouthetic counseling that damaged my brain and heart.
One encouraging bit was that my doctor was just so genuinely sweet about all of it. She listened to everything I had to say, asked really, really interesting questions, and hugged me so tightly.
I’m going to just slowly breathe and enjoy December. And see if some of this mental anguish eases. And then January will bring a new beginning and a Fifty-Two Weeks project of weight loss. Fifty-two weeks. Yikes.
We just spent a few days in Maryland where we celebrated Thanksgiving with our family. Other than Drew being sick for the majority of the time, it was a good trip. I hadn’t seen most of the Bergey’s in over a year and I also got to visit with Miss Dottie, Trish, and Uncle Bob & Aunt Glenna. We enjoyed food, shopping, toys, games, raking leaves, and horsing around.
It felt really weird to drive away knowing that it’s very likely that will be the last time we celebrate a family gathering in Baltimore. Daniel’s parents are probably moving in the next few months so who knows where the next Bergey party will be. With Tim and Dani in Missouri, Ben in college in West Virginia, us in Michigan, and Steve and Cassidy in Maryland – I see a lot of travel ahead. Not that we mind!
Over the holiday, Daniel also took the opportunity to sort through years worth of computer equipment, toys, and nostalgia from his parent’s home. We brought back a box FULL of thirty-year-old legos in great condition and as you might imagine, Drew has been creating with them ever since we got home.
Now we’re on that inevitable holiday slide where time passes so quickly and before you know it, you’re taking down the Christmas tree. But I’m trying really hard to soak up the Christmas music, holiday planning, and hall-decking because this really is my favorite time of the year.
Grocery shopping day!
We waltz into the store feeling on top of the world. A bit of flirting with Daniel, loads of sweet patience with my ever-wiggly Drew, and no, I can’t stop smelling the peaches. They are just THAT GOOD.
Aisle 5:
I’M ABOUT TO DRAG DREW OUT OF THIS STORE BY HIS HAIR. AND IF DANIEL FREAKS OUT ABOUT THE GROCERIES NOT BEING IN THE RIGHT “ORDER” ONE MORE TIME I AM GOING TO START FLAILING. THE FLAILING THAT INVOLVES SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE AND EATING CHOCOLATE AND CRYING. I HATE EVERYONE. YES I WILL FROWN AT YOU LITTLE OLD LADY. GET OUT OF MY WAY PEOPLE. STUPID GROCERIES. LET’S JUST EAT BREAD ALL WEEK! STOP SAYING THAT I SEEM GRUMPY.
Aisle 7:
Tiny apologies. Awkwardly hunting for the right kind of cheese. Still feeling fussy. Swallowing pride. Another tiny apology.
Checkout:
OH NO. WE AREN’T PUTTING THE GROCERIES ON THE CONVEYOR BELT IN THE RIGHT ORDER. DANIEL IS FREAKING OUT. DREW IS TRYING TO TALK TO EVERYONE ABOUT EVERYTHING. STRANGER DANGER! TRY TO APPEAR NORMAL TO THE CASHIER. I’M NOT CRYING. MY EYES JUST FEEL WATERY.
The ride home:
Tiny apologies. A few snuggles. Holding hands. Deep breaths.
Up: It snowed for the longest time yesterday. Thick, beautiful flakes. I know that snow will be a four letter word by the middle of February (it just becomes piles of nasty muck around here) but I’m still a southern girl who still gets a tiny high from it all.
Down: The pain in my jaw is becoming more severe. Headaches, ear-aches, and a clicking sound all make me think I have TMJ. Sigh.
Up: Going to bed at 8:30pm. This probably means I’m getting old but if I can have at least ONE of these evenings each week, I feel like I can climb a mountain.
Down: Our car has been in the garage all week. It should be healed today. I hope.
Up: I’ve had my nose in a book all week. All week! That’s very rare. There’s been no skimming nonsense because it’s just SO GOOD.
Down: People who piously shun social networks because it doesn’t feel like “real” friendship and then turn into complete jerks when hanging out in “real life.”
Up: I’ve been working on The Christmas Lists this week. Shopping blogs, catalogues, pinterest, and lots of drooling. I know some people who just hate this time of year because the hustle and bustle can get out of hand but I LOVE IT. And I can honestly say the best part is just planning and creating gifts for the people I love.
Down: Drew wants a pet. He keeps making suggestions and our eyes just get wider. A dog? But, but, dogs jump around. You never know where they are going to land or what they are going to do. And cats? I’m allergic. A FROG? Seriously? How about a fish? “Can I play with it in my bath each night?” Maybe not a fish. How about Sims 3 Pets? Or we could just look at other people’s pets!
Up: The Ann Arbor 2011 Holiday Event Planner & Guide! I love that Drew is at the age where he absolutely comprehends everything going on around him. He understands the holidays and gets excited about it all even if he has to hide behind me while being excited (i.e. trick or treating). I hope we do a lot of fun things over the next two months. I love making memories.
Down: I’m still having nightmares about driving. Weirdly, it gets worse when I’m eating healthy and losing weight. And if I actually have to drive anywhere, ugh. Panic attacks unless it’s a few minutes from where we live. I’m starting to self sabotage my plans for eating well. Having nightmares? No problem! Eat more ice cream!
Up: Only 12 days until we leave for Thanksgiving in Baltimore! We’re going to spend the holiday with The Bergey’s. Tim & Dani, Steve & Cassidy, and Ben (who has been away at college) will all be there too. I haven’t seen everyone in over a year or maybe longer.
Down: I smashed my wrist against the door frame a couple of months ago and it appears that I now have a cyst where the deep bruise was. I guess this means I need to make an appointment with my doctor and bring in my list of ailments. Good grief I sound old.
Up: Once Upon a Time, Snow White & The Huntsman, Merlin, and Game of Thrones have all sent me flailing deliciously back into World of Warcraft. The fantasy, fairy-tales, and beauty of it all. Ahh, the long winter nights ahead will be filled with such dreaminess. Hot chocolate and gaming!
Down: My hair is driving me crazy. I started shouting out ideas the other evening. “Dreadlocks! Zooey Deschanel bangs! Blue!” I need a change and if I don’t get one soon I’m going to start hacking away with scissors. And we really don’t want that to happen.
Another Down: The Frustrated Neighbor downstairs. He apparently doesn’t have kids or understand that apartment-dwelling isn’t perfect. I’m constantly making sure Drew isn’t running or thumping but sometimes noise happens and I can’t prevent it. The other evening we came into the apartment and Drew had a FIT within seconds. He stomped four very loud, hard, and stern thumps across the floor to the couch and IMMEDIATELY there was Ceiling Thumping from the Grumpster downstairs. It was as though our neighbor was waiting with a cane or something. Drew, of course, flailed and started asking if the police were going to take him to jail. It’s happened a few other times too and I even tried going downstairs to talk to him. I was going to apologize for the noise and explain that I can’t always stop it before it happens but that we try very carefully to be quiet neighbors. But the dork wouldn’t open the door.
Sort of Down: Drew has crossed the magic 40 lb mark. This is a “down” because whoa – kids grow so fast. This also means researching which booster seat is best.
Up: IT’S THE WEEKEND.