octolilly [through the years]

In a very God-oriented, amazing and exceptionally wonderful set of events- a door I thought was long closed is opening again. I stand here, not proud or relieved, but humbled. There isn’t any part of this that makes sense but I should know better than to expect a set of blueprints from the Lord. His love is ever-present and surprising. His tender mercies, they have spilled into my soul.

I’ve walked into some dark places with some very dear people, and then back into the sunlight. And they, with me…His love is not at all passive. It is so relentless in its pursuit of our terrified hearts. The love of God will hunt you down until you finally spin around in exasperation (“okaaaaaay!!!”) and admit how cherished you are. It gives our stories context and hope when somebody else recklessly rips out a chapter. It fills in our blanks. The love of God hoists us up on the shoulders of Jesus and hollers out the promise of St. Paul. “I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength!”

– Nicole Nordeman

When I wake up early on a Sunday morning, it feels like I have a few “secret” hours to myself. I raise the blinds, turn up the music, spread out the bagels and juice, and write.

The Secret Hours started at 7am this morning and I’m quite shocked that my eyes were able to open then. Since Friday night, I’ve played over 9 ½ hours worth of Triopoly with a group of Very Fun People. That alone almost fried my brain. Oh, and the game isn’t over yet. It’s still set up in case we find time to finish it this week. (I am recovering from having to mortgage all my properties and planning on coming back to attack them all! Ahem.)

This early morning time is something I cherish. It feels as though I’m setting the stage for my day. Some mornings I feel content and ready to face the day. But there are also times when I feel a bit lost. As though the darkness of the night was too black.

But I remind myself of what a shepherd boy once wrote. He, who was use to being all alone in the hills while watching his flock, wrote of the Presence.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,
Your right hand will hold me fast.
Psalm 139:7-10

It’s a sobering and amazing thought that God walks with me wherever I go. He can walk into my dreams, break through my fears, and reach me through confusion.

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. When I think about the freeing nature of those words, it takes my breath. I’m supposed to put distance between myself and the past?

An old friend once said, “I want complete healing and freedom in all areas in Christ for you.” And sadly, I’ve thought all along that healing and freedom really didn’t have anything to do with the situation.

Those who are able to honestly and courageously deal with the past as a learning and shaping tool will take the road that leads to authentic living. That’s a way of life that enables us to honestly accept ourselves for who we are – warts, weaknesses, and all.
Dr. John Trent

I’m suddenly aching to slow down and heal. The journey ahead is wild and unsettling. To be prepared for the narrow way means I must have an unfettered and faithful character of heart. Healed. Ready for authentic living.