April « 2004 « octolilly [through the years]

Archive for April, 2004

i sought for the king.

Tuesday, April 6th, 2004

I sought for the king
And He heard me
And delivered me
From my lonely fears

– Gloria 34, Overflow

After leaving a friend’s house tonight, I slipped in the new Taylor Sorenson cd and drove out into the country. The moon was a brilliant orange color, the night air had that summer feel to it, and I soaked it all in.

He knows the aches. The cries. The pains. The unexpected loss. The millions and millions of tears that offered to him tonight, He knows them all.

God washes the eyes by tears until they can behold the invisible land where tears shall come no more. – Henry Ward Beecher

Posted in The Everyday, The Journey | Comments Closed

small southern attitudes.

Monday, April 5th, 2004

While on the way out of the office for the afternoon, I spotted a little girl who couldn’t have been older than 3 standing near our Culligan water stand. She had a small cup in her hands and her faced was pressed against the water tank as though she was trying to see fish inside. I walked over and offered to help her get some water. Her eyes widened slightly and then she put her hands on her hips and gave me a very tiny Southern attitude.

Me: Here, let me help you.
Little girl: No!! I want to do it by myself!!
Me: Okay, okay!

Then I bit my lip as she slid her cup on the hot water nozzle and filled it up. When she lifted the cup to her lips, she had a small smirk on her lips. But it died quickly as she spit the hot water all over her hot pink Barbie tennis shoes. I reached for her cup and quickly filled it up with cold water and handed it to her.

She took a sip and then walked over to the trashcan and while looking me straight in the face, dumped the entire contents of the cup into the garbage can!

Posted in The Everyday | Comments Closed

friends.

Sunday, April 4th, 2004

It’s amazing what laughter can do for the soul.

I think I can breathe again.

Posted in The Friends | Comments Closed

anxious for the rain.

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

I remember standing on the soccer fields at the Academy late one night. We were there for a meeting one night and having tired of the discussions, a friend and I walked down to the fields. A stray soccer ball was on the sideline and with a few brisk kicks; we began playing a slow and silent game. The grass was wet, the air was damp, and the sky was full of dark clouds. He didn’t care that I kicked like a girl and I didn’t care that he was one of the few that had made it on to the Brazilian soccer team.

You know how the tapping of rain starts ever so slightly? The pitter-patter dances, the tempo increases, and when you least expect it- the sky falls. We were both caught off-guard as the rain began to pour and when I glanced up at him, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. He was weeping. His arms were outstretched and his eyes were shut tightly as he stood there, in the rain. We finally walked off the field later that night, and he told me of his heart pain. It was as though feeling the actual rain pouring over his face was cleansing emotionally. While standing on that field, he let go of his burdens. And that’s where I find myself tonight.

I’m not naïve enough to think that all of the pain, all of the struggle, and all of the fears will disappear overnight. But I do ache for that cleansing. That moment when I know absolutely, without a doubt, that everything is right again with Him. I am standing on the field. Waiting for the rain.

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troubled soul.

Thursday, April 1st, 2004

It’s been a forever-long night.

Tears, frustrations, and hurt are streaking across my heart and I want to simply run. Running gives no pleasure except for the immediate release from the situation. And how does one run from a life? How does run from a friend? From God?

It’s as though each step I’ve taken lately has been just one small degree off course. Each step was meant to be sincere and my heart has spent no time contemplating how to hurt. How to cause pain. How to fail. But when faced with the stirring truth that I’m completely in the middle of the biggest mess of my life- I have to stop and say that I’ve been too careless.

I give to Him and take from Him without thought. I speak His name and yet haven’t whispered it in prayer. I’ve faced both ways and chosen the one that gives the most pleasure without taking thought of the consequences.

Troubled soul, thou art not bound to feel but thou art bound to arise. God loves thee whether thou feelest or not. Thou canst not love when thou wilt, but thou art bound to fight the hatred in thee to the last. Try not to feel good when thou art not good, but cry to Him who is good. He changes not because thou changest. Nay, He has an especial tenderness of love toward thee for that thou art in the dark and hast no light, and His heart is glad when thou doest arise and say, “I will go to my Father.” Fold the arms of thy faith, and wait in the quietness until light goes up in thy darkness. For the arms of thy Faith I say, but not of thy Action: bethink thee of something that thou oughtest to do, and go to do it, if it be but the sweeping of a room, or the preparing of a meal, or a visit to a friend. Heed not thy feeling: Do thy work.

– George MacDonald

I’m troubled. I must begin again.