Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

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cloudy days go away.

Tuesday, September 16th, 2008

When I’m depressed I can barely function. No writing, no music (well, I must admit that I have been tolerating some country music of the my-life-is-falling-apart variety, I know, pity me!), no friends, not much reading, and certainly very little laughter.

I’ve been attributing this latest funk to being off my medicine for two weeks, the move, and being in a new city. Our bedroom still isn’t cozy because we haven’t bought box springs that will work and we still have some boxes left in there (that’s the last of the boxes not counting the weird ones in the basement that are full of Daniel’s art things, office wigglies, and who knows what else – another words, they aren’t as necessary). We have no lamp in there, no night-stands (so that means that my medicine isn’t by the bed with a glass of water each night so I’m naturally forgetting it very easily – I haven’t been off the meds on purpose really), and since the mattress is still on the floor it feels like we are camping. Well, camping with lovely sheets and fluffy pillows. And camping is getting old after 12 days of being in the house.

I really like being in Carlisle, and I love being in Pennsylvania. It’s so beautiful here. I never dreamt that I could find another state that felt cozy like South Carolina. But the farms, the rows and rows and rows of corn (that probably feel overwhelming to those who have been here forever), and the rolling hills feel so welcoming.

But even though I know this is where I belong, it still doesn’t feel like home. That’s to be expected. But what I thought I’d be feeling is a longing to move back to South Carolina. But I’m not. I miss my family and friends dreadfully but I don’t feel like that is home anymore. So I feel homeless.

Yesterday was a really, really dark day where I never got out of my pajamas. Drew encouraged me with his sweet smile and we ate cheese and grapes on the couch and I had two bowls of ice cream. But the depression felt as though it had arrived at the door carrying three bags of dark, dank, scary packages. I thought that moving here would feel like enough of a “new chapter” that some of the depression would naturally leave.

I know a few of the reasons why I’m so overwhelmed. We went to church on Sunday and it was absolutely horrid. Well, maybe not horrid. But I was hoping that this church would be where we called home. I’m hungering for a church so badly I can barely talk about it. I want to find a family of believers and sit and soak again. I’m used to deep preaching (at my former church and at Southside), good music, and sweet fellowship. But this church was really just trying way too hard.

It appeared to me that they were trying to be everything to all people. And although their motive of wanting to reach everyone is to be commended, I was shocked that someone hadn’t tapped them on the shoulder and said, “you really need to revamp.” It was so obvious to me, an outsider, that they were really, really hoping I would think they are cool.

I think I’ve been around enough real believers (real in the sense of raw, honest, and passionate) that when I see folks who are in it for the recognition, I feel a bitter taste in my mouth. The girl on the stage was barefoot, shaking her booty, and occasionally glancing at the screens to see if she was on camera. It was hard to not judge everything I saw (I tried to tell myself that I don’t know these people at all and I need to be able to look past it) and I was almost in tears by the end of the service. Not because I was moved but because I had been aching to be in a real worship service again and hear soul-stirring preaching and it’s just been too long.

It didn’t help that when we went to get Drew out of the nursery I couldn’t find my small piece of paper that I needed to turn in before they would release him. I panicked as I realized that they had no back up plan. One of the ladies said, “I don’t really know what we do now. I guess we’ll have to wait until all the parents have picked their children up and then see if he’s the only one left.” I almost crawled over the counter and wrapped my hands around her neck. What if there were TWO parents who had misplaced the silly piece of paper (I’m used to a better system, obviously) – were we to fight over the children or get on our knees and ask the kids to walk to their Real Mommies?? I was nauseated and angry and then all of the sudden I found the paper and we grabbed Drew and I left as quickly as I could. That situation didn’t add anything good to my impression of the church.

Another reason I think the depression has been thick lately is that this political season has been tormenting me to no end. I have never wanted to write about politics here but in the next few days, I’m going to open up a can of worms and share my political stance. Please sugar-coat all comments. 😉

So, when Daniel got home yesterday and found me in my pajamas, he sweetly encouraged me to get dressed and we headed to the library. I felt some of the depression lifting slightly as we pored through children’s books and watched Daniel put on a puppet show with a small crab in the children’s section (I’m getting better with my fear of puppets!).

We came back home and I curled up with The Host while Daniel took Drew to Target to buy some things we needed and I finally felt a bit of relief flood over me. I felt my soul beginning to be encouraged and I took a few moments to pray and ask the Lord to please give me the strength to get back to a healthy emotional state.

Daniel was back home soon and along with a much-needed trash can for the kitchen, he had purchased two cards. One was for him, from me. Hehe. And one was from him to me.

The one for him, from me said the following:

You’re my chilly-toe warmer,
lousy-day listener,
itchy-back scratcher,
pouty-mood soother,
tired-body massager,
and all-over lover…

and my best-friend, too.

I love you.

The one from him to me said the following:

Since I met you,
all I can think about
is making you happy.
I want to see your smile
and hear your laughter.
I want to kiss away
old hurts
and hold you
until you know
without a doubt
that this is forever.

I want to memorize
the sound of your voice
and the dreams
of your heart.
More than anything else,
I want to make you happier wiggly-er
than you’ve ever been before,
and give you all the things
that you truly deserve.

Needless to say, I SOBBED LIKE A BABY after reading both cards. And then had a good laugh that he’d actually picked out a card for himself (for me to give him). But both were so perfect. He really is my rock.

I fell asleep with a hope that hope was ahead.

And after I saw Daniel off to work this morning, I showered and got ready. That was improvement over yesterday! 🙂 Drew slept a bit longer this morning so I had time to rush downstairs and straighten his toys up so the house would look inviting because cable is getting hooked up today. JOY!

I heard Drew start stirring so I headed to the kitchen to make him a plate of snacks.

While in the kitchen, I reached for the hand towel and it fell to the floor. For the umteenth-billion time. I stared at the hand towel and realized that I need to buy the type that hooks or buttons over the towel rod. So that Drew can’t pull it down and that I can’t knock it down.

When I turned around, I saw Janali and Zedekiah standing at my front door! Their arms were full of “welcome to Carlisle” gifts.

basket of generosity

She made a casserole that I can pop in for dinner tonight as well as lots of canned goodies and fresh home-made bread.

fresh bread

AND, two towels of the button-type variety!!

towels

Drew and “Kiah” (as Drew calls him) played for a few minutes while I thanked Janali for her kindness and then they headed off to drop MORE food off for other folks.

I was so encouraged to see a friendly face of kindness that after they left I found myself at the kitchen sink, my hands in the warm soapy water, and my eyes full of tears as I thanked God for such a sweet encouragement.

Within minutes from drying my hands, I got a call from Jason and we talked about faith, friendship, and how it would be nice if we could all get together IN PERSON instead of just on Twitter (although it IS really nice to know when someone is having a bologna sandwich or reading a particular article just so that we feel like we have some daily connection).

And so, not only did I get goodies from a friend today, a kind phone call from a friend, but I also got cable installed today and now I can watch Law & Order ALL DAY LONG. There goes the HOUSEWORK, CLEAN DIAPERS, and MEALS. 🙂 Just kidding.

So, I feel good today. I feel encouraged. Wiggly, even. Especially since I read on Southside’s website that the worship cd He Has Done It All is available!! I can’t wait to get it. We were there the morning they recorded it and I wept and wept. I’m aching to hear the music again.

The lesson for me, in all of this, is simply that even on cloudy days…there is hope ahead. I know we’ll find a church even if it takes a bit of time. We’ll get settled. I’ll work through my depression.

And also, Pushing Daisies Season 1 is on DVD! And, Autumn is coming! And, Derek Webb is coming here soon (not here, to my house, mind you)! And, Stephenie Meyer is going to be on The Ellen Degeneres Show tomorrow!

AND, I have the cutest little boy in the world.

snugglytime

Posted in Daniel, Depression, The Everyday, The Friends | Comments Closed

jenny’s light.

Friday, June 27th, 2008

Jenny’s Light is a not-for-profit organization created by the families of Jennifer Gibbs Bankston and her son Graham in response to a heart-wrenching and tragic story dealing with postpartum depression.

When Jenny found out in March that she was pregnant she seemed very happy, and all their friends and family were so excited too! Unfortunately, Jenny had a difficult pregnancy and was sick for most of the first seven months, and also developed Bell’s palsy that lasted a couple of months. As her due date approached, we made plans to come and stay for the first three weeks after Graham’s birth. On Nov. 1st, 2007, Graham Gibbs Bankston was born at St. Vincent’s Hospital in Birmingham. Everybody was so proud and excited.

Jenny was a real champ during delivery, but she struggled a bit with nursing and was reluctant to take Graham from the house for the first few weeks. She was also adjusting to not working, not getting much sleep, and having to care for her newborn. Other than that, things seemed normal and Graham got easier to care for as the weeks went by.

Then, out of the blue, on Dec. 19th, 2007, Jenny purchased a gun at a sporting goods store in Birmingham and at about 7:00 pm, she went to the backyard and took Graham’s life and then her own.

We are so devastated and shocked by this tragedy that it was a real struggle to write this story. We hope that somehow it might inspire new mothers to seek help and treatment before something like this happens to them. We also want to thank our son Randy, Brian (Becky’s husband) and Chip for their help and support as we try to return some normalcy to our lives.

We are left with many great memories and the chance to help other families avoid having to go through what we are. With your help, Jenny’s Light can make a difference.

This article in The Birmingham News mentioned that Jenny was having trouble with breastfeeding, had a lack of sleep, had quit her career, and was attempting to adjust to being a stay-at-home mother. As I read her story, I couldn’t help but weep as I remembered my own journey of PPD after Drew’s birth. I struggled with those very same issues in my own journey of depression and truly, there but for the grace of God go I.

The mission of Jenny’s Light is to improve detection and treatment of all perinatal mood disorders such as postpartum depression by funding continuing education, research and supportive efforts. We strive to shed light on these illnesses to help mothers, children, and families around the world. By expanding access to care and support for new mothers through our community of volunteers, physicians, educators and legislators, we will save lives.

The first large fundraiser for Jenny’s Light was held recently and over $50,000 was raised. I highly encourage you all to read the story, learn about PPD, and contribute if you can.

My first thought was to choose this charity for Blogathon 2008. However, Blogathon 2008 (where you blog for 24 hours for your chosen charity) has been cancelled. Thankfully, Day of Blogs has been organized as a charity blogging event as an alterna-thon to Blogathon (try to say that three times fast).

On July 26, I will be jumping on the blogging for charity bandwagon. I’ll be posting at least once an hour every 30 minutes for 24 hours (oh my word!) and I’ll have a donate button on my site where you can donate funds that will go straight to Jenny’s Light, my chosen charity. Please ponder between now and July 26 if you could donate just a small bit (I’ll be saving our change too!) towards this charity. And look forward to my day of a gazillion blog posts.

May the God of all love, wisdom, peace, and comfort heal the hearts hurt by the tragedies of postpartum depression.

~

[I do not have the Blogathon posts I wrote for the charity any longer.]

Posted in Depression | Comments Closed

understanding depression.

Tuesday, May 27th, 2008

While going through our office yesterday, I stumbled onto a folder of paperwork from a psychology course I took at BJU that dealt with depression and behavior disorders. I set it aside because I knew I’d want to re-read through it at a later date.

After breakfast this morning, and while Drew was running from one end of the house to the other (he’s allowed to roam free now and he is enjoying every minute of it), I decided that now was as good a time as any and curled up on the couch and read through case studies, notes I’d taken, and many articles.

I’ll be honest. I was looking for something to put my finger on and say – THERE. THAT is where “they” are wrong and THIS is why depression does exist and why medicine should be used. If you’ve read any of what I’ve written on depression, you’ll remember that I took a course in Nouthetic Counseling and until the past year or so have believed strongly that depression did not exist and that antidepressants were foolish. And then, WHAM. I got depressed. And hooboy, did I change my mind. 😉

It wasn’t a flippant change at all, though. I really struggled with it and prayed and continued to think that I was just blue and I’d get out of it eventually. But when my thoughts began dwelling on suicide and I began breaking things all over the house (on purpose), I knew I had to at least go to the doctor and see if there was something physical going on. I have a wonderful Christian doctor who is really on MY side about all of this. She believes that medicine AND therapy/counseling/working through issues in your life is the answer. But she first checked me out physically and saw nothing wrong. We talked over many issues and she asked me question after question and then diagnosed me with clinical depression due to a chemical imbalance. In my class in college I remember my professor saying that there isn’t a medical test that a doctor can give you to determine if you are depressed or if you have a chemical imbalance. And sure enough, my doctor didn’t give me a test to determine her findings. She prescribed antidepressants and I’m currently on them and I can tell a difference in how I react to sudden changes and my overall mood is 110% better and my mantra is no longer I HATE MY LIFE.

However, I’m a bit floored right now. I’ve read through a lot of material this morning and I was actually a bit hesitant to even write about this here but writing here has been very good for me. I know that friends and family are reading this and I’m okay with it. I’m finally able to say things I haven’t been able to say before and it’s good for me. I’m not saying that I’m always right or that I really think I just know more than everyone else – I’m just saying that I’m no longer wearing a mask and I’m being real. So in the interest of keeping it real, I’m going to share what I’ve discovered this morning.

[the rest of this post is lost]

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i’d like a money tree, please.

Wednesday, May 21st, 2008

My battle with depression has been been going seemingly well since my last meeting with the doctor. That is, until yesterday. I hit a really thick wall and crashed about the time that Daniel came home from work.

Drew was crying and I couldn’t remember if I’d just fed him or if I needed to feed him again. I couldn’t remember if I’d eaten or if I’d had a shower. It was as though I had blanked out for a few hours. My worst fear had come true. That I’d blanked out and forgotten to take care of Drew. 🙁 But thankfully, after a diaper change and cheerios he was perky and wiggly again. My amazing husband swooped in and took care of everything for about half an hour while I drank ice water and tried to calm myself.

It was much later that I realized what had triggered everything. When we got the mail yesterday, we got a letter from the IRS mentioning the amount we were going to get in the stimulus payment. It was a happy moment because we’ve been really counting on this money. But after Daniel went back to work and I read the letter again, I saw something in the fine print that troubled me. It looked as though if you owed back child support or owed the government any money then you would get that deducted from the stimulus payment. We are still paying back taxes from the two years that Daniel worked as a contractor in web development and I suddenly realized that this money was possibly going to that instead of direct depositing into our account. Sure enough, the IRS site clearly states that if you owe back taxes, then you are out of luck.

I almost threw up. We are not doing well financially at all and we’d been looking forward to receiving a stimulus payment of about $1,500 any day. And now it looks as if we’re just going to have to keep scraping by. After realizing this, I started to slowly fade out and the rest of the day is pretty dim even now. It’s as though I was paralyzed and could not think straight about what I needed to do next.

I think most people would admit that when you have money troubles, it can affect everything in your life. And for me, it’s a clear sign that one of the issues that triggers my depression is finances.

When we got married, we both had good jobs and were living in a nice apartment near Greenville. We had a bit of debt but it wasn’t too overwhelming and we were paying above the minimum payment on everything. The only real concern as the time was that we felt we’d made a huge mistake in getting a loan for our wedding. I’m not sure if I’ve even heard of anyone else doing that. It was stupid. It was crazy. And our wedding cost way too much. If you aren’t married, please listen – do not go into debt for your wedding and do not spend an arm and a leg on your wedding. Elope if you are even THINKING about it. 😉

In August of 2006, I quit my job and to cut costs we moved back to the Valley and moved into the Moho. We also stopped using our two credit cards completely and really thought that our finances would totally work. I found out that I was pregnant within weeks of moving and suddenly we started feeling the financial strain.

By the early part of 2007, we were living paycheck to paycheck as we had to fork out a lot of money for some unexpected expenses. And then one month went by where we stopped paying about 80% of our debt. We just spent money on groceries, gas, and a few bills that are automatically drafted out. I was terrified as we went past the 30 day mark, the 60 day mark, and the 90 day mark. Knowing full well that this is affecting our credit, we had a few rocky months as we wondered what on earth to do.

It has been over a year since then and we have made very little progress. We are still paying only a few of our debtors (and getting horrid phone calls from the other ones) and are struggling to keep up with the rising cost in gas (although we aren’t having to pay as much since we don’t drive that much) and food. I’m also trying to eat healthy but eating less healthy is WAY CHEAPER. Which is quite discouraging, I might add.

Of course, the obvious question is why don’t you get a job, woman?! Honestly, the past few months have been a struggle in my heart over whether I should leave and go back into a career and put Drew in daycare. I HATE the idea of daycare but I know it can work. I know that I could find a nice, reputable, and clean daycare in this area but the paycheck that I would be getting would be mostly eaten up with daycare costs and gas money. The $200-$300 a month or paycheck (depending on what job I get) more I might be able to apply towards debt might not be worth the doctor’s visits for Drew since he would for SURE be much more sick while being in a daycare. And to be quite frank, that small amount of money might not be worth having Drew spend time with strangers instead of his own mother.

BUT, if the financial stress could be taken away, or at least alleviated in some way, it would most certainly help me mentally which would in turn benefit my husband AND my son.

What do I really want to happen? I want us to make it on one salary. Daniel makes good money and if it weren’t for the stupid wedding loan, back taxes, and ignoring a lot of debtors for over a year, we’d be fine on one salary. I want to be home with Drew. I want to stumble through all of this and finally get healing from this depression. But how on earth do we get there?

I know there is hope. We’ll get through it. I just needed to vent a bit and it really helps to write instead of blanking out into a depressed daze for hours.

One of the first steps we are taking is that we are attending a Financial Peace University class by Dave Ramsey tonight (they provide free dinner and free childcare) and I hope we find some answers. And encouragement.

Posted in Depression, The Everyday | Comments Closed

meeting with the monster.

Friday, April 18th, 2008

Being quite proud of the three page list I created, we took off to the grocery store last night. I was also proud that I finished my food plan for the next two weeks. But my pride shrunk quite a bit when we reached the checkout line and realized that I’d left the ability to FUND these purchases at home on the dining room table. And so I humbly dashed home and dashed back. We now have food. We will survive.

But the only thing I regret is that I ignored my PLAN first thing this morning and promptly had a semi-interesting quesadilla, chocolate fudge ripple ice cream, a slice of Drew’s birthday cake, and a glass of chocolate milk. And that was just for breakfast. As you can see, I’m doing really well with self-control.

You’d think that after eating all of that, something would snap (besides my pants) and I’d get a CLUE that not only do I need help but I also need to take the first step. But it wasn’t until my darling and patient husband sent me an article on depression this morning that something snapped in my head and I finally figured out that I really do have to make the first step.

The article mentioned that a few key signs of depression are:

▪ Daily sadness
▪ Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
▪ Restless, anxious or irritable behavior
▪ Trouble concentrating, focusing or remembering
▪ Excessive weariness and lethargy
▪ Sleeping or eating too much or too little
▪ Unexplained aches and pains
▪ Thoughts of suicide or death

And that’s when I made an appointment with my doctor for Tuesday morning. Because I’ve had ALL of those symptoms. And I have spent too much of my life believing that depression isn’t real and that imbalances are only because you aren’t doing something right in the eyes of God.

I owe it to Drew to figure this monster out.

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