octolilly [through the years]

Before we even knew that we would be moving to Pennsylvania, we scheduled a trip to Maryland just to visit family. And then as time progressed, and moving became apparent, we wondered what the time frame would be like. I was surprised and encouraged to discover that this past weekend was also the time at which the home we are renting in Carlisle was going to become available and we’d be able to get the keys. It was like a small green light shouting YES. It was also going to be a house party of folks at the Bergey’s as Tim’s girlfriend was in town and she was also bringing her best friend. All the more reason to visit.

As you also know, with our attending Financial Peace University and attempting to plan and save our way out of debt, we have had a few really frugal moments as we try to pay off debt. So, making the trip up north was something we knew we’d have to save for. Especially with the reality of moving costs (although the HUGE majority of costs is being taken care of by Daniel’s employer which is another answer to prayer), setting up house in a new place, and unexpected things that happen to all of us.

But as the time neared, the money we were planning on using for gas to go to Pennsylvania and to come back home seemed to be ebbing away. We have not completely gotten on the cash envelope system that FPU recommends (which is part of the problem and I am planning on starting that TOMORROW) and so it was easier to let the money slip when you weren’t staying on top of it. Within a few weeks of the trip, we realized that we only had enough money to GET THERE. None to get home.

We spent time in prayer, time in tears, and a lot of time trying not to worry. But we both felt from the bottom of our soul that this trip had a bigger purpose and wasn’t really about us. As the date to leave approached, I really fought the age-old battle that I’ve always struggled with – the reality that if I’d only done MY part better, then maybe God would have provided for us better. Another words, what if I’d been more strict with the money and had made sure that we were using cash envelopes…wouldn’t that mean that we wouldn’t be in this mess now? And wouldn’t that mean that God would have answered our prayers? Of course, we wouldn’t really need Him since we’d have planned ahead. Please note, that’s sarcasm.

Daniel reminded me over and over that I have to stop the see-saw approach with God. You know, I do something “worthy” and then He responds with a “blessing” and rinse, repeat. The bottom line is that I am not worthy. I never will be. I will never do enough, say enough, or believe enough to “get His favor.” He blesses because He is gracious and full of mercy. And I can trust Him to provide for us. How He chooses to do so is up to Him. I just have to follow along and watch Him work.

So, with a lot of prayer and a bit of butterflies, we packed for the trip. Our one solace was that Daniel had completed a HUGE side project for a company in PA a few months earlier and he’d yet to get paid. If they were able to pay us while visiting, then it made sense that we’d get home. Otherwise, we had no idea.

Our ride up to PA was joyful (Drew was PERFECT for ten hours!) and although we did have a lingering thought about the ride home and well, frankly, if there was going to BE a ride home, we still felt the peace of God about ALL of it.

On Friday, we relaxed with family, visited a nearby park, and tried to relax from the tiresome drive. I got terribly silly that night and when Daniel and I were telling Tim goodnight in the breezeway, Daniel sternly (with a slight grin) said, “I’m going to have to go put my wife to bed.” I turned red and shrieked, “That sounds so DIRTY!” I remember Tim guffawing (I’ve always wanted to use that word) and then I heard him RUSH into the kitchen and proceed to tell the rest of the family what I’d said. I was MORTIFIED. I stumbled all over the breezeway wondering if I should go in and explain or just go to bed while Daniel just stood there laughing so hard. We finally decided just to go to bed. We snuck into the room quietly because Drew was already asleep in the crib and I tried to calm myself mentally and get ready for bed. I turned around to see Daniel striking some sort of weird tae-kwon-do pose and I about DIED. He began strutting around the room, doing these weird poses, all in the attempt to make me LAUGH and wake the baby up! I could have killed him!

Saturday morning we left for Pennsylvania, still wondering about money, and yet choosing to trust. When we arrived in Carlisle, we drove by our house TWICE because we were so wiggly. It was lunchtime and we turned around in a parking lot only to realize that we’d just passed by Sam and Janali who were driving in their car right beside us. WHOA. Totally Not Planned. We all pointed at each other and then rushed to park and hug and talk. I got to hold Abram who is tiny as a turtle and beautiful. We were treated to a yummy meal at Red Robin and then we headed to the house and I finally got to see it in person. It is beautiful and cozy and I can totally imagine living there. Three things I didn’t expect were how amazing the trees are on the property, how cozy the side porch is going to be, and how the arched doorways downstairs really make the home feel unique. After inspecting the house, we headed to PetSmart where we introduced Drew to fish, rats, and hamsters. All three are gross. But Drew thought they were wiggly. 🙂 We then headed to Guy and Robin’s beautiful home for awhile to visit. I also got to meet Lyndsay who had dropped by as well. Interestingly, Guy actually has a THRONE in the living room. I think it’s the most awesome chair I’ve ever seen and will actively work to get a picture of it. 😉

After leaving their home, we finally got news that we COULD get a check from the other company. We played a cat and mouse game of trying to meet them and ended up having to pick the check up in a public place where they’d hidden it (can you believe that?!). On the way to get the check, we suddenly realized that Oh My Goodness, it’s 4:30pm and what bank is going to be open for us to cash this check? We need CASH to get home. Not just a check.

The minute we had the check in our hands, Daniel called the bank it was drawn on and heard a sweet voice tell him, “Why, yes our bank is open on Saturday’s and we are open for 25 more minutes.” I’m sure you can imagine how fast we drove to get to the bank where we proceeded to drive around the block fifty gazillion times to get a parking spot (downtown Harrisburg is crazy and yet beautiful!) He marched into the bank just in time and got the check cashed and when he finally got back into the car I think we both felt like oh-my-word – He just took care of us. We can get home. It wasn’t like a massive release of pent-up worry that came crashing down – it was more of a small amen shouted in my heart. Perhaps this is the first time that I’ve believed that God was going to take care of us and have chosen to praise Him before it actually happened. And then when it did, it was just another Well, of Course You Did It! Hallelujah!

The ride back to Baltimore was sweet as we had spaghetti waiting on the other end, I had a quick phone call with Kerry who had borrowed my copy of Twilight and I just had to know what she thought of it, and we rested in the peace that we’d made the right decision in making the trip.

The rest of the evening was full of Drew putting on a show, McCain and Obama at Saddleback (I have a lot of words to say about that as well but that’s for another time), and everyone BUT ME playing Fictionary (Balderdash). I was too tired and could barely think straight much less come up with a believable definition of a word that only 1% of people in the world have probably even heard. It might have also had something to do with the amount of benadryl I’d taken all day long AND the fact that Michael Phelps was on his last race and I couldn’t NOT watch. My tiredness caught up again with me eventually (I’m normally the one who falls asleep first whenever we are visiting – they all stay up to UNGODLY hours of the night but I can sometimes beat them up in the morning) and I snuck into our room while Drew was sleeping and crawled into bed while Daniel and his Dad took a midnight run to Wal-Mart.

Sunday morning took me by surprise because I woke up with another horrible headache (which I haven’t had since the CT scan, oddly) and after getting ready for church and attempting to ready Drew, I realized that I was not going to be able to make it to the service. Too. Much. Pain. So, Drew took an early morning nap and I curled up on the couch in Nana’s area and fell asleep. I woke up to picnic wigglies being prepared and folks carrying dishes out onto the back patio. We all had a great bunch of fun while eating grilled hotdogs and hamburgers with yummy potato salad and other things I’m probably forgetting. Our son mostly had fun with empty cups that he rolled around on the patio. Everyone seemed to nap that afternoon and after we all finally woke up and became social again, Harry and Mary Beth brought out a surprise gift for me and Daniel.

Apparently, Daniel’s grandmother made some quilt pieces for Daniel before she died and gave them to Mary Beth with instructions on the pieces being made into a quilt as a wedding present whenever Daniel got married. Although we’ve been married for two years, Daniel’s parents have been working to get these pieces quilted (Mary Beth no longer has time for quilting!) and finally found someone who could do the job and let me say, it is EXQUISITE. It is a pale yellow and white, with a pineapple motif, and absolutely breathtaking. We are going to be using it on our bed when we move. I couldn’t help but cry when they gave it to me. It has such history behind it and such love in it and the sacrifice made not only from Grammie but also from the sweet lady who quilted it for us, and for Daniel’s parents for paying for it to be quilted (which is a pretty penny) is not something we will forget easily.

The rest of Sunday evening was spent looking through old pictures (Dani had a great time seeing Tim soooo cute with those chubby little cheeks and please don’t hate on me, Tim), eating delicious watermelon, and then finally packing. We made a few rounds of goodbyes (to Grandpa, and to the hord of folks who stay up late and can’t wake before noon – BEN, ahem) and then ended up having to take Drew out for a ride to get him to fall asleep.

The journey home on Monday was much more burdensome and weary than our trip had been on the way up. In fact, Drew started crying within the hour after we left Baltimore and after we spent 2 1/2 hours in horrid traffic while trying to get around Washington, D.C., we should have had a clue that perhaps this day was going to be a big flump.

Between the shrieks of a little boy who just really wanted to get down and play in the floorboard of the car, the stress of the traffic, and the realization that oh-my-goodness we are moving in a week, I slowly began fuming in the back seat.

Everything that Daniel did and said set me on edge. And it’s as though the peace I had felt all weekend suddenly slipped away as I felt cold reality hit me head on. I began making mental lists of all that I had to do when I got home and fussily noticed that I was sneezing and blowing my nose every five minutes. Between each shriek from Drew, I sneezed (which oddly caused Drew to laugh and so for awhile we had shriek, sneeze, laugh, shriek, sneeze, laugh) and the peace ebbed further and further away. I just knew that God had helped us this weekend but now it was time to Get Things Done and of course, God is able to help us still but it’s really just up to us to make sure it all happens and OH MY WORD we need to get home fast and it’s taking too long. Can you get the picture?

We were hungry as bears as it neared lunchtime and so we decided to go through McDonald’s because it was cheap and fast (and because I hadn’t packed the cooler with food on the trip back home). When we found a McDonald’s I also spotted a Target nearby and suggested that maybe we take a small break and let Drew ride around in a buggy and calm down. We got our food and ended up just eating the fries before he started wailing again. Daniel asked if it was alright if we just wrapped the burgers back up and went inside to Target to walk around and then we’d simply finish the meal when we got back outside. It made sense to me so we piled out of the car and headed inside.

Once we got inside, I mentioned to Daniel that I’d like to buy a few snacks for the ride home (since we had an empty cooler) and maybe a few toys for Drew (in hopes that something new and interesting would calm him down for the remaining 400 mile drive). He agreed and mentioned that he really needed some coffee. I started through the store with Drew as Daniel headed to Starbucks (which was inside the store).

When we met back up in the store, Daniel quickly realized that we were thinking very differently about spending. He later told me that he’d been battling in his mind whether it was alright to buy the $3.00 coffee to only walk back and discover me with about four different snacks, four different toys for Drew, and a book in the buggy! Not a TON of things but it was obvious to him that I was just being nonchalant about grabbing things. I started noticing that he was acting oddly but I’d been fuming for so long anyway that I didn’t really care to stop and ask what was wrong. He deals with his frustration very quietly and so he didn’t make a big scene in the store.

When we got out to the car, I had to change Drew’s diaper and so Daniel loaded everything into the car. He was fussily loading one bag after another into the car and I was fussily wiping Drew’s rear and we were both just WAITING for the other one to make a wrong move.

Daniel passed out the leftover food that had been waiting for us in the car and took one bite and said, “It’s cold. I’m not eating this. My coffee filled me up anyway.” I waited to eat my food because I wanted to feed Drew his food first and so I just sulked a little more in the backseat and attempted to be motherly. Poor Drew was grinning and smiling and acting like THIS IS SO MUCH FUN and OH I LOVE YOU MOMMY and I just wanted to wipe his little grin right off of his face. Can’t you see, son? We are FUSSY. NOW FROWN. GROWL. SOMETHING.

I finally reached for my food and took a bite of my burger. It was cold. And something just snapped inside and I started sobbing that I couldn’t eat it either. Daniel whirled around and said, “What, you aren’t going to eat your food now?” I was FURIOUS that he even dared to say that to me after he’d just said the SAME EXACT THING. And before I knew it, I threw my cheeseburger box in Daniel’s direction (you know, those little boxes that they come in from McDonald’s) and – WHOOOOOOSH – the cheeseburger went FLYING through the air and right past my husband’s face. The meat patty landed near his foot, one of the buns landed on the dash, and the other bun, I’m still not sure where it went. Pickles were everywhere (and one landed perfectly on Daniel’s shirt sleeve) and ketchup and mustard were all over the steering wheel and also on the side of Daniel’s neck.

It was very quiet. Even Drew knew better than to squeak.

I sat very still.

Keep in mind, Daniel is driving 80mph + on the freeway. For about two minutes, nothing happened. And slowly, he worked his way over to the right lane and took the nearest exit. He put the car in park and calmly said (in a tone that I have never heard before), “I can’t believe you did that.”

He very methodically cleaned all of the cheeseburger up and even took considerable time to wipe the ketchup out of the cruise control grooves. He picked up the pickles, and went inside the gas station bathroom and cleaned himself up. He came back outside, started the car, and got back on the freeway without saying another word to me.

I still sat very still.

Many exits went by. Many miles went by. Many minutes went by before I felt like I could even move or even look over at Drew. Drew had sat wide eyed and had even laughed at one point (it’s not every day that you see your Mommy throw cheeseburgers through the air!) but thankfully, he had not cried.

It took me about two hours before I could muster the words to say I was sorry. I wish I could fully share how rebuked I felt when I didn’t get the reaction I thought I would and instead watched my husband clean up my childish act of rebellion and frustration. I felt very small. And very, very wrong.

I remember blinking slowly and feeling an ache in my soul as I knew I had not only hurt my dear husband but I’d acted so ungrateful to God. God, who had provided rather miraculously for us financially, who’d granted such sweet peace to us all weekend, and who’d given us a lovely time with our family, and who was blessing us with a lovely home to start a new chapter in, and yet I’d thrown it all away during a moment of frustration as I let the worry of the things to come eat away at my peace. So much that I’d retaliated out at the one person in this world who has vowed to stand beside me until death do us apart.

We centered our wedding around the theme of Two for the Road and this particular line spoke to me as I sat and pondered what I’d just done.

Step by step. Day by day. Year after year. Their companionship is a constant as everything else changes. When one stumbles, the other is quick with a helping hand. When one becomes weary, the other shoulders two loads for a few miles. They weather the storms. They take shelter in each other’s arms. They experience high country panoramas when life unfolds before them, shining like a rain-washed highway in the morning sun. Nothing, but nothing drives them apart. Nothing short of death divides their path.

They are husband and wife.

Two against the world.

Two for the road, no matter where that road may lead.

God gave me such an amazing husband, who promised to be with me for the Road of Life – forever. And how could I treat him this way? We finally did make up, and through some tears and honest confession, I realized what our turning point had been.

Daniel had just come from being concerned about providing for his family, seeing God bless us with the provision, being concerned about spending too much on his coffee (bless his heart!), and then walked up to see his wife with a buggy laden. Blowing the sweet provision of God right through the cash register at Target!

I, on the other hand, yet VERY grateful for the provision, had immediately began balancing funds in my mind and knowing what needed to go where and how much we could plan on spending. I felt no need to remind Daniel quietly, and kindly, that *this* was our current situation and we could spend *this* much safely. I just loaded up the buggy and headed for the line. Miss Independent. No wonder Daniel was so tense while loading the car full of bags!

Since we’ve been home, we’ve talked about this specific incident a few times and each time I realize just something a little different. Right now, I can’t get away from the realization that respect is something I have not been careful to give to Daniel.

He knows I love him dearly. And that I’m along his side for the Journey. And that I want it to be a Happy and Joyful Journey! But hindsight shows me that I’ve not been terribly eager to show him the respect that he needs.

If you’d asked me before I got married if Daniel would rather have my love than respect, I’d have laughed. Of course he would want my love. But through a lot of long talks, I’ve come to believe that (for men, at least) being unloved is better than feeling disrespected. I found that to be true while reading For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, too.

Finally, the lightbulb came on: If a man feels disrespected, he is going to feel unloved. And what that translates to is this: If you want to love your man in the way he needs to be loved, then you need to ensure that he feels your respect most of all.

The funny thing is – most of us do respect the man in our lives and often don’t realize when our words or actions convey exactly the opposite! We may be totally perplexed when our man responds negatively in a conversation helplessly wondering, What did I say? Combine this with the difficulty many men have articulating their feelings (i.e. why they are upset) and you’ve got a combustible – and frustrating – situation.

Ugh. I am always asking Daniel to just TELL me what he is thinking. And begging him to EXPLAIN his feelings. When all I really need to do is back up and give him some respect. And some space.

For me, that means respecting his decisions and opinions for our family. No snide comments, no raised eyebrows, and no side glances. He always asks for my thoughts so I am going to need to learn to wait, graciously (while praying), and then learn to share my thoughts respectfully. It also means I need to let him figure out things for himself. It has always irked him that if I think of something before he does that I always rush to get it out or try to MAKE SURE HE KNOWS and all I need to do is let him have his space. He’ll get to the same place in his own time. Two for the Road means we will learn through each experience. I also have a bad habit of stating the obvious to him that I know makes him wonder if I even have a heart at times. I’m not stupid. I know how to push his buttons. All of us women know how to do that. And that simply needs to stop. It is not just what I’m saying but how I’m saying it. And lastly, like most woman, I tend to read a lot into everything he says. Once, Daniel even told me something like this: “If what I’m about to say hurts your feelings then please realize it means the exact OPPOSITE. And if what I say makes you feel good, then know that’s how I intended it.” If that’s not a warning flag that you are jumping to wrong conclusions too often, then I don’t know what it is.

I know that I have the ability to either encourage my husband greatly or make him have the worst day of his life. That is not power that I grab with eager fingertips. I gingerly want to carry his heart, and remind him in a whisper that I’m proud of him, that I love him, and that I greatly respect him. Instead of throwing a cheeseburger at him. And then whispering that he still has ketchup on his neck. When we are an hour from home.