After breakfast, we scampered out into the blanket of snow that arrived while we were sleeping. But it was SO cold and windy that we had to go back inside within ten minutes.
I know that the piles of icky snow will drive me crazy by the end of January but right now it feels like winter wonderland and I can’t get enough.
I saw my doctor right before Thanksgiving. It was supposed to be a weight-loss checkup (I lost 2 lbs which probably means I just wore lighter shoes – I’ll weigh barefoot and sleeveless next!) and general how-are-you-feeling visit but it quickly turned into a bigger deal than I expected.
I finally showed her a list of symptoms I’ve been having for a long time and after glancing over my list and asking me a ton of questions, she asked me to put the weight-loss on hold until the holidays are over (as in not STRESS about losing). My doctor thinks not only do I need to go back on anti-depressants but that I’m possibly suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The possible PTSD seems to be stemming from leaving Fundamentalism and Christianity in general.
It’s been a few years since I’ve been able to drive without having panic attacks, I have a list of phobias that keeps getting longer, and I keep having horrible, horrible nightmares. As a friend recently said, PTSD is that your mind hasn’t put the event into long-term memory. So it lingers in the present and short-term memory. And without warning, BAM – it’s in front of you. And then you find yourself in the bathtub with a knife carefully balanced on the edge. Just having the choice to do something drastic seems powerful enough to calm the trauma inside. It can get dangerous quickly. With no warning.
This past month has been particularly emotional with the petition to remove Chuck Phelps from the Bob Jones University Board and the Do Right BJU campaign. After reading through the growing number of stories and signatures, my stomach aches for hours. I emailed with one friend who was reliving her sexual abuse trauma at the school (that wasn’t reported!) and my dreams that night were so vivid that I was scared someone was in the apartment with me and woke up begging Daniel to check on Drew.
I have a list of therapists that I’m supposed to call and hopefully I’ll meet with one this month and see what their professional opinion is on all of this. I’ve been avoiding therapy for a long time and I guess I can’t stop running from it any longer. It’s just really hard to stop hearing that person tell me “all the people in mental hospitals are people who stopped believing in God!” It’s hard to admit I may have mental health problems when I feel like most people are just going to say “IT IS A SPIRITUAL PROBLEM. GOD HAS JUST HARDENED YOUR HEART. I PITY YOU.”
I just can’t escape the nouthetic counseling that damaged my brain and heart.
One encouraging bit was that my doctor was just so genuinely sweet about all of it. She listened to everything I had to say, asked really, really interesting questions, and hugged me so tightly.
I’m going to just slowly breathe and enjoy December. And see if some of this mental anguish eases. And then January will bring a new beginning and a Fifty-Two Weeks project of weight loss. Fifty-two weeks. Yikes.
We just spent a few days in Maryland where we celebrated Thanksgiving with our family. Other than Drew being sick for the majority of the time, it was a good trip. I hadn’t seen most of the Bergey’s in over a year and I also got to visit with Miss Dottie, Trish, and Uncle Bob & Aunt Glenna. We enjoyed food, shopping, toys, games, raking leaves, and horsing around.
It felt really weird to drive away knowing that it’s very likely that will be the last time we celebrate a family gathering in Baltimore. Daniel’s parents are probably moving in the next few months so who knows where the next Bergey party will be. With Tim and Dani in Missouri, Ben in college in West Virginia, us in Michigan, and Steve and Cassidy in Maryland – I see a lot of travel ahead. Not that we mind!
Over the holiday, Daniel also took the opportunity to sort through years worth of computer equipment, toys, and nostalgia from his parent’s home. We brought back a box FULL of thirty-year-old legos in great condition and as you might imagine, Drew has been creating with them ever since we got home.
Now we’re on that inevitable holiday slide where time passes so quickly and before you know it, you’re taking down the Christmas tree. But I’m trying really hard to soak up the Christmas music, holiday planning, and hall-decking because this really is my favorite time of the year.
I’m sorting through archives, dusting off Octolilly, and hoping to write regularly again. You know what this is, right? The Creativity of Autumn has hit me. I must indulge.
I’m still around. 🙂 A bit cozy as Autumn dances her way here.
Also, I’m on Tumblr way more than I am here. If you want the link, you can email me (jenniferDOTbergeyATgmailDOTcom) or FB me and I’ll send the link. Beware. There is quite a bit of Doctor Who loving.