octolilly [through the years]

It’s very, very cold here. Being a Southern girl to the core, I have heard of socks before but never really had a need for them since I’ve worn flip-flops year round. But now it’s so cold that I’ve dug into my long forgotten stash of socks.

There is something about this weather that has made Daniel and I quite nostalgic and romantic, too. Which is not a problem at all, mind you. It’s just that the last time we experienced this type of weather was when we were falling-in-love over Christmas about four years ago. I’d traveled up to the North to meet his family over the holidays and I’d been shocked that I needed a thick coat to even open the front door.

Last night we drove to a neighborhood restaurant and filled ourselves with hot food and then took a drive through the country. It was so calming to wind through the farms and stately houses with their cute little candles in the windows. Duffy was belting her heart out through our car speakers but you could still hear a small voice from the backseat saying, “One. Two. One. Two. One. Two.” He’s learning to count, by the way.

He’s also learning to mimic every single word that he hears. And when we hosted our first overnight guests here a few days ago (Tim and Dani), Drew practiced words like “buttock,” “Santa” and “booger.” Yes, his Uncle Tim is atrocious. The last thing I need Drew screaming in the middle of the grocery store is “SANTA HAS A BOOGER ON HIS BUTTOCKS!”

It really was a lovely weekend with Tim and Dani, though. We had some long talks, reading sessions, TV-watching, and book-sale shopping. And one particular card game that got wild and lively. Of course, I was half-asleep in the green chair. Try as I may, I simply cannot stay awake when it gets really late. I’m pretty much a little early-to-bed nerd.

They also came along on Sunday to the first “preview” service we had at Engage. The service echoed quite a bit of what I’ve been re-learning about God in the past year. Two moments stood out to me. A new friend that I’ve just met shared part of her faith story and in so doing, she admitted that living with rules and regulations in faith is something she finds to be attractive at first glance. I heard her words and had to blink back tears as I saw myself in what she was saying. Another moment was when Jon asked us to share with our group what questions we would ask God if we could simply turn to Him and expect an audible answer. I didn’t expect to break down into tears at all but when I started opening my heart, I pretty much lost it. I have so many questions. Very few answers.

I am very thankful that we’ve found this band of believers. Being with them reminds me to look for God to pop out of the mundane, ordinary, and really frumpy days of life.

Today brought encouragement as I worked through finances and made some calls on the bills and everything is going to be just fine. We aren’t going to be sitting in the dark anytime soon and we are nice and warm in our little house. So, I’m going to preface the rest of this blog post (where I will share part of my day where I was NOT sure we were going to be okay) with this statement: I am not asking for money! Don’t you dare get all weird and awkward while reading what I’m about to say next. 🙂

At one point during the day, I wasn’t sure if our oil was going to last. In fact, I was afraid that it might run out TODAY. Paranoid. Slightly. In my rush to make sure I was doing the right thing for our family while Mr. Bergey is away, I sat down and called more oil companies and practically begged them to take my money.

You see, I had $200 saved to go towards filling up the tank for the winter. I’m well aware that we have to continue to save during the next few months because we are going to need at least two deliveries but that is all that I’ve been able to get together right now.

But the oil companies around here will not make a delivery unless they are delivering at least 100 gallons of oil. Joe the Plumber had the same problem. I understand that the oil companies aren’t making money if they have to keep scooting to different homes to deliver 50, 75, and 39 1/2 gallons to different folks. The limit of 100 gallons makes sense from a business point of view.

But the reality is that I only had $200. And I was scared that our heat was going to get cut off. So, in my mind, I would be very, very wrong to not ask for help from someone. When I was single, I could snuggle up with blankets and surf the Internet all night. But now I’m a mother, and I have a responsibility to keep the home warm for someone else besides me.

I swallowed my pride and began looking for assistance. All I needed was $89 to get a delivery. The LIHEAP program in Pennsylvania was where I started but I quickly realized that we have much more income than is allowed. I dutifully explained our situation; that we made some bad financial decisions, are working through FPU, and are trying to get grounded again. And, that I had $200 set aside for the oil but had just discovered that I had to order at least 100 gallons which means I needed $89 more and the only reason I was asking for help was because I thought it might run out in the next day or so.

It was quite humbling. LIHEAP really couldn’t help me. Even their Crisis grants. They pointed me in the direction of about five more non-profits where I left a message explaining my situation. I waited an hour and didn’t get any responses.

So, I then swallowed my pride even more and started calling churches. This was particularly difficult for me. Maybe if you were in my shoes you would have started calling churches first. But I remembered hearing so many people in the past few years mock the needy who called churches asking for help with rent, their power bill, and grocery money. I’d even mocked them myself. We’d laugh and talk about how we just know that if we gave them money they’d go down to the liquor store and have a bottle on us. And after all, the church isn’t just a place for handouts! Right? :-

I gingerly called a few churches only to hear the response that I’d so often given. And a fire started burning in my soul. Because the response felt so un-like Christ.

I know VERY WELL that most of our situation we’ve caused ourselves and that thankfully we aren’t dealing with a medical emergency or a lost job. I KNOW that we’ve failed. Screwed up. Made bad choices. Okay, we’ve just really lost our head at times.

But we Are Turning This Around. And in the process, I hit a roadblock today where I needed a particular amount of money to help keep my child warm. And no one was going to stop me from trying. All I needed was $89.00!

But we didn’t qualify for any state or federal assistance. And no churches would help. And that’s when I started crying again. I called Daniel and asked him to pray for me because I felt like I was going to fall apart all over again. He wisely listened and then sweetly asked me to go take a picture of the oil gauge and then to email it to him.

Sure enough, it turns out that it’s NOT as critical as I thought it was. I wasn’t reading the gauge correctly. 😛 On Saturday, we’ll have just the right amount of money coming in to help cover an oil delivery for next week. See? We’re going to be just fine.

But what I’ve taken away from today’s overwhelming experience is this: How does the church truly think they are going to show Christ to the community around them unless they are willing to take the risk of a handout going towards a beer instead of oil? Did you read Dooce’s story about her older brother, Ranger?

If I hadn’t been confident that in some way, somehow, God was going to take care of us, I would have been very discouraged with “Christians” today. It made me ache to start donating to Dollar Energy and to attend the Heating Assistance forum on November 12 at the Stuart Community Center in Carlisle. I want to help others. I only needed $89 but some folks need $700.

So, this is where I am.

Learning to trust in something I cannot see. And reaffirming that reaching out in grace and peace (with our hands, our actions, our money and our time – even when people don’t “deserve” it in our opinion) to others is the most beautiful and real way to share the Gospel.