octolilly [through the years]

And the clouds just parted on a corner of my life
And I can see for miles
And the things I was stuck on
Things I thought would never change
They just broke open wide

This is the one thing I know
You said you won’t let me go
You said you won’t let me go

And the veil just lifted
I can finally understand
The way you work in me
But even if I didn’t
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me

It ‘s good to know you work with hurt and broken souls
And that you’ll take a soul like mine

And it feels like I’ve been waking up
Only to fight with the same old stuff
I was caught in the habits of a lifetime
Giving up I could never find the right time
All the indefensible things I would defend
All the million ways that my heart was bent
Then the clouds just parted

– The One Thing I Know by Sara Groves

We are waiting for the unfamiliar voice of God to speak. Because He owns heaven and earth and dispenses suns and stars at His pleasure, we expect a dramatic and booming voice that will cut through our personal noise. How arrogant to think God would use His King-of-the-Universe voice just to speak to us. Surely we are significant enough for something more than a still small voice. I know I’ve certainly used my If-I-Were-King-of-the-Universe voice to reach His heavenly ears from time to time. “HELLO GOD, HELLOOOOO. I BESEECHEST THINE EAR, INCLINETH TO MINE VOICE…” Testing, testing, is this thing on?

We fill up the silence because we are afraid He won’t. And there we’ll be awake, alone with the God of the universe and the sound of crickets.

But He does fill up the silence. Sometimes with the sound of His indescribable presence, which isn’t always very loud in my ears. But it communicates louder than thunder. Sometimes it is a mild impression or sense of peace or a distinct feeling. On rare occasions, it is a voice.

And sometimes, the quiet Presence brings an untroubled sleep.

– Living in the Sacred Now, Kim Thomas

It’s as though I’m stomping around in the desert, shouting that I’m not strong enough to handle it all. The tasks (and adventures) that lie ahead feel very Large and Cumbersome right now. And overwhelmed is a word that has suddenly become a frequent part of my vocabulary. Suddenly I can understand Moses’ jaw dropping at the thought of speaking in front of Pharaoh.

Monday morning’s disaster, which in the future will be called the Ice Wreck Incident, was enough to shake me emotionally. When I walked down the dock that morning, I saw that the grass had that crystallized look to it and that my windshield had a few ice sprinkles on it. But since I’ve seen a lot worse, I decided to go ahead and leave. Minutes down the road, I decided to use my windshield wipers to scrape the rest of the ice off. Instead of my window clearing up a bit, it became one massive sheet of ice. I suddenly realized that I was rounding a curve on a country road (popular for redneck folk heading to Hardees for their Early Morning Coffee and Cinnamin Raisin Biscuits) and that I COULDN’T SEE.

So I rolled down my window, hung my head out, and attempted to steer. There was one moment where I passed a truck and he gave me a long stare but I just smiled at him as though hanging my head out of the window to drive was the normal thing to do in icy cold weather. By the time I neared my church, I realized that I was going to have to stop my car and get the ice off before I drove any further.

But the problem was that I couldn’t turn the car right while looking out the left window. But I tried. And that’s when the Incident occurred. Dad, if you are reading this, it was your lovely daughter who rammed into the wooden thing near the church driveway. And now there is something odd sticking out from my bumper but I’m ignoring it and hoping it will go away.

And then tonight is my second night of Switching Mail with the little old man who lives on the street behind me. Our mail lady is either blind as a bat, dyslexic, or playing a horribly wicked joke on us. The little old man is nice enough.

See, it’s not One Big Thing that’s causing me to feel so overwhelmed. It’s all the little things. Trying to find the balance.

As I told Daniel tonight, my biggest fear is that I’m going to allow all the grand new things to throw me off-kilter with the rest of my life. No job, no person, no situation is important enough for me to lose focus on the reason I was created. To glorify God.

And although my fears of inadequacy seem Large and Cumbersome at the moment, I shall hope and pray with quiet confidence that the same God who strengthened Moses to speak for a nation will help a woman in South Carolina who feels very overwhelmed right now.

Is there some problem in your life to solve,
Some passage seeming full of mystery?
God knows, who brings the hidden things to light.
He keeps the key.

Is there some door closed by the Father’s hand
Which widely opened you had hoped to see?
Trust God and wait–for when He shuts the door
He keeps the key.

Is there some earnest prayer unanswered yet,
Or answered not as you had thought ‘twould be?
God will make clear His purpose by-and-by.
He keeps the key.

Have patience with your God, your patient God,
All wise, all knowing, no long tarrier He,
And of the door of all thy future life
He keeps the key.

Unfailing comfort, sweet and blessed rest,
To know of every door He keeps the key.
That He at last when just He sees ’tis best,
Will give it thee.

– Anonymous

And as one of the children’s books mom gave me for Christmas reads,

God asks, “Can anything make me stop loving you?”

“You wonder how long my love will last?

Watch me speak your language,
Sleep on your earth,
And feel your hurts.

Find your answers on a splintered cross,
On a craggy hill.

That’s how much I love you.”