octolilly [through the years]

When I opened my front door this morning, the sun was blazing across the pasture and the breeze was gentle but cool. It looked to be an incredibly beautiful Easter day. So when Amber and I were driving to church this morning and a few sprinkles of rain began dancing on the windshield, I was a little surprised. In less than a few minutes, the sky gathered a few dark clouds together and threatened to spill. Of course, I’ve lived here for almost 23 years and you’d think I would be used to South Carolina weather. We don’t need meteorologists. Keeping an upward glance is best. Being prepared.

While thinking on those things, I was surprised at how close it parallels my heart right now. I’ve been a Christian for over 18 years now and you would think that through the ups and downs I would have learned two of the basics of the faith. Keeping an upward glance is best. Always be prepared. In the past few weeks, I’ve been absolutely appalled at a few things that have slipped into my soul. There were no dramatic moments. Just little creeping in. It’s very true that we never know what each day will hold and I’ve been sadly surprised lately. My days have been full of things that show a slip in character. There’s been a pattern in my stumbling.

And so I’ve come face to face with myself. It’s entirely despairing to see yourself as God sees you. He knows it all. He sees it all. He knows the intents. While reading in Proverbs this afternoon, I found a verse that I’ve memorized many times but this is the first time that it has awoken a chord within my soul.

Preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared. (Proverbs 3:21-26)

My days will still be full of trouble unless I take this to heart. Seek wisdom. Stay sensitive to the Spirit. The most obvious way to keep from stumbling is that sweet, habitual fellowship with the Lord. How easy it is to stay busy and to fill my hours with unnecessary things. But I’m so weary of losing my footing. I crave steady feet.

I sought for the king
And He heard me
And delivered me
From my lonely fears

– Gloria 34, Overflow

After leaving a friend’s house tonight, I slipped in the new Taylor Sorenson cd and drove out into the country. The moon was a brilliant orange color, the night air had that summer feel to it, and I soaked it all in.

He knows the aches. The cries. The pains. The unexpected loss. The millions and millions of tears that offered to him tonight, He knows them all.

God washes the eyes by tears until they can behold the invisible land where tears shall come no more. – Henry Ward Beecher

It’s been a forever-long night.

Tears, frustrations, and hurt are streaking across my heart and I want to simply run. Running gives no pleasure except for the immediate release from the situation. And how does one run from a life? How does run from a friend? From God?

It’s as though each step I’ve taken lately has been just one small degree off course. Each step was meant to be sincere and my heart has spent no time contemplating how to hurt. How to cause pain. How to fail. But when faced with the stirring truth that I’m completely in the middle of the biggest mess of my life- I have to stop and say that I’ve been too careless.

I give to Him and take from Him without thought. I speak His name and yet haven’t whispered it in prayer. I’ve faced both ways and chosen the one that gives the most pleasure without taking thought of the consequences.

Troubled soul, thou art not bound to feel but thou art bound to arise. God loves thee whether thou feelest or not. Thou canst not love when thou wilt, but thou art bound to fight the hatred in thee to the last. Try not to feel good when thou art not good, but cry to Him who is good. He changes not because thou changest. Nay, He has an especial tenderness of love toward thee for that thou art in the dark and hast no light, and His heart is glad when thou doest arise and say, “I will go to my Father.” Fold the arms of thy faith, and wait in the quietness until light goes up in thy darkness. For the arms of thy Faith I say, but not of thy Action: bethink thee of something that thou oughtest to do, and go to do it, if it be but the sweeping of a room, or the preparing of a meal, or a visit to a friend. Heed not thy feeling: Do thy work.

– George MacDonald

I’m troubled. I must begin again.

It’s one of those nights.

Candles are burning, a new book awaits me, and Starflyer 59 is softly playing. I’m well aware that those three things alone set a mood for pensiveness. I haven’t had time for reading lately, and so I’m aching to delve into Bel Canto. But I feel so restless. A long drive through the country just kept me lost in thought. All I can think about is what life was like a year ago.

I know why I’m feeling this way. An innocent comment by one of my customers today really threw me for a loop. I was in the middle of researching loan information when he put down the paperwork and asked, have you ever found true love? I think I stammered an answer and shot him an odd look while trying to keep my business façade. Perhaps he felt comfortable broaching that subject because he is French (everyone knows that the French are supposedly more adept at love). But whatever his reasoning, he continued at a mad pace. Have you ever given your heart away? Would you say that your heart has healed? Will you ever give your heart away again? I tried to bring the conversation back to business but he was insistent to know my story. We talked about love, life, and lessons learned for quite sometime. He suggested such-and-such book that is known for showing you what your heart really needs, and such-and-such poem by so-and-so, which will truly make your heart remember the need for love. I smiled, thanked him, and hid my smiles.

Life a year ago was so much different. March 2003 was the beginning of a whirlwind. An absolute tornado of emotions that brought so much joy and yet so much pain. I had no idea of the things I would gain and the things I would lose. Of course that is the way life goes, and a year from now I will probably be able to say the same thing. But I hope that in the midst of the inevitable change, I will always remember what is most important. I am overwhelmed when I remember all the ways in which I have failed. But to dwell on the things of the past is to lose the opportunity of today.

And so, as I sit so pensively, I will ache to find things that are real this year. I want that ache for the things of God to grow stronger. I want the ache for lesser things to diminish.